Winter Days
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: It's cold. Read this story or die. Discontinued!
1. In the Beginning

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: Omg, liek, I don't own the characters that belong to, like, other people.

* * *

That's right; it's a new Tiki story. Go party or something. (That was sarcasm, I _know_ you don't care, no need to tell me I'm wrong.) Why am I doing this, you ask? Hmm… three reasons.

Firstly, because I enjoyed writing Summer Days and Autumn Days. They were both very different stories, but they were really useful in consolidating what few writing skills I have. I'm hoping that this story will prove as much of a joy to write for. Secondly, because this is my twentieth story on fan-fiction (dot) net, and I wanted it to be something reasonably interesting, unlike, say, that Meta Knight and Wario one-off. That was atrocious. Thirdly, because I want reviews, and according to the horoscopes, writing a story with 'Winter' and 'Days' in the name will get me lots of reviews. Horoscopes never lie.

On the subject of reviews, anything is welcome. Praise, flames, constructive reviews: all good. Feedback will help me improve. You don't like the way I depicted so-and-so? You don't like Luigi (join the club)? Mention that in your review. I might even read it.

Oh, and to round off this monster of an author's note, if you say nasty things to me, I may cry.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

* * *

Samus Aran was in a world of trouble.

The creature she was fighting was easily four times her height. It had fiery breath, and was currently fire-breathing at her – in fact, she had just been hit by a stream of fire, and she went flying backwards, the flames engulfing her.

"Not _again_!" she grumbled, getting up.

"ROAR!" said the ugly creature.

"Oh, roar yourself," said Samus.

"ROAR!" said the ugly creature, not having understood.

Samus leapt up into the air and let forth a wave of ice. It went flying into the creature's mouth, freezing it to the core.

"Go, Samus!" said Popo.

"Shut _up_," said Samus, jumping just as a huge claw sailed under her. "I'm trying to _concentrate_ here."

The creature looked at her angrily with its single eye, and then, without warning, fried her with a bolt of lightning.

"Not again," moaned Samus, "what am I supposed to do now?"

"Get the sword," suggested Ness, "it can really help."

"No!" said Samus. "I am Samus Aran. And I am going to defeat this thing with distance attacks _only_."

The creature leaped up into the air and started shooting small, smiley rainbow drops at her.

"Dodge…" whispered Samus, dodging out of the way. But to no avail – she was hit in the head by a rainbow drop.

Everything went black. Samus watched herself die.

"Stupid bloody _game_!" said Samus, throwing down the controller in disgust.

"Hey, it's about time someone else had a turn," said Popo, grabbing it from her.

"Hey, you kids invited me to your little video game thing," said Samus, standing from the couch.

"To watch," said Nana.

"…" said Samus, arms crossed.

"What?" said Nana.

"…" said Samus, louder this time.

"I can't hear you," said Nana.

"…!" said Samus.

"Oh, right," said Nana, pulling the controller out of her brother Popo's hands just as he was about to press something.

"Anyway," said Ness, "did you think that game was fun, Ms Aran?"

"Call me Samus," said Samus. "Everyone calls me Samus. Until just then, you always called me Samus. And yes, that computer game was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. What was it…?"

Ness gave her an angry look. "It's a _video_ game. And that game was _Kirby's Sunshine Flower Rainbow Doom_."

"Right," said Samus. "Well, Rainbow whatsit was pretty entertaining for a video game."

"That's right," said Ness. "Spread the message – video games are pretty okay."

Samus eyed him suspiciously. "Is there some ulterior motive to this?" she said.

"No," said Ness, crossing his fingers and dropping a coin into the Lie Jar.

"'Kay," said Samus. "I'd better be off. See you all." She walked off.

As soon as she was gone, all the kids looked at each other.

"It worked," said Young Link, bouncing slightly on the couch. "We've managed to convince a grown-up that games aren't a waste of time!"

"Yeah," said Nana. "Maybe the nerd's plan might actually work after all."

"I'm not a nerd!" said Ness. "I'm a typical male child of slightly above-average intelligence."

"Nerd," said Nana.

"So, when do we ask for a Vee?" said Young Link.

"Not yet," said Ness. "We have to wait it out a bit more."

Young Link sighed. "Stupid you and your 'patience' thing." Pause. "Kirby, you can come out now."

Kirby crawled out from under the couch.

"Did you see anything while you were spying on her?" said Young Link.

"You were with her the entire time," said Kirby sulkily, "what was the point of having me as a spy anyway?"

"Look, a hamburger," said Young Link, turning his attention back to the TV screen.

"What?" said Kirby, his face lighting up. "Hamburger? Where? Where?" He looked around wildly.

On the screen, Kirby was eaten by a smiling fish.

"Stupid happy fish," said Nana.

* * *

"So here we are again-a," said Mario, sitting on a plush chair in the atrium of the Smash Mansion.

"Yes," said Link, sitting on a chair next to him. "It's strange, isn't it? It seems so recently that we were in Master Hand's mansion last time, waiting for the second Super Smash Bros tournament. And here we are, up to the third."

"I know what you mean," said Roy, who was on Mario's other side. "Everyone seems to have settled in rather quickly, though."

"Yes," said Link. "Everyone's already unpacked their things; we're all kind of lounging around waiting for Master Hand to make his little welcome speech, the kids seem to have already gotten their video game thing set up, and I'll bet you anything that Captain Falcon has already made a pass on all of the females in the Mansion by now."

At that moment, Captain Falcon came limping into view, a huge bruise apparent on his face.

"Hey, dudes," he muttered, in a strangely high-pitched voice.

"Hey-a," said Mario, sharing a knowing glance with Roy and Link. "Did Samus or Zelda do that?"

"What?" said Captain Falcon. "Oh, the bruise? Nah, I'm about to talk to Zelda now."

Mario, Link and Roy looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, okay, if you've gotta know, I came on to Nana," said Captain Falcon.

"_What?_" exclaimed Link. "Nana? You – you sick… _person_! She's only eight, or eleven, or fifteen, or… I don't know, but… that's so irresponsible of you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mister Do-Good," said Captain Falcon. "Excuse me while I steal Zelda from your arms."

He limped off, clutching the area between his legs.

An awkward silence hung in the air.

"He's hopeless," said Link. "I should seriously report him… I'm not sure who to, though…"

"Hey," said Roy, "did I mention that I've kept in contact with Marth? Once we went back to Altea, we started to set up a web site. It's called Fiery Emblem, it's going to be great, it's going to have hot gossip and hot girls and-"

"Wait, do you even have internet access in Altea?" said Mario.

The plot hole manoeuvred itself underneath Mario, and he fell through it and into the basement.

"Gossip?" said Link. "Why would anyone want to read your random gossip about the Smash Bros tournament?"

"Because I and Marth are the most popular Smashers ever, without a doubt," said Roy smugly. "People will want to hear what _I_ have to say."

"And what kind of gossip do you have in mind?" said Link, a disapproving expression on his face.

Roy leaned in close. "It's a secret, but… Samus is a girl," he whispered.

Link looked at Roy.

"I know," said Link.

"Oh," said Roy. "Does anyone else?"

"Yes," said Link.

"Better take that off our website," said Roy. "It's going to be the best site. Ever."

* * *

"And this is…?" said Marth.

"It's a rocket ship!" proclaimed Fox. "We're going to fly to the moon on it!"

Falco kind of half-nodded, looking extremely weirded out.

"And why can't we just use your normal space ship?" said Marth.

"You know what?" spat Fox. "You're absolutely no fun. No – not just that. You're _boring_. I hate you."

"…kay," said Marth.

"Come on, Falco," said Fox, "let's teach this punk a lesson."

"Wait a minute," said Falco. "Fox, this is completely stupid. Marth hasn't done anything wrong! You can't just walk around randomly beating up people who don't agree with you!"

Fox gave Falco a weird look.

"Does that mean you're not going to hit him?" said Fox.

"No," said Falco, "I'm not."

"Oh," said Fox angrily. He put his camera away. "You suck too."

"Fine," said Falco. "Screw you, I never liked you anyway." He walked off with Marth.

"Yeah, well, bye," said Fox, "you can be _losers_ together."

Fox waited five seconds.

They didn't come back.

"NUUUUEEEEZZZ!" screamed Fox.

They didn't come back.

"What have I done?" cried Fox. "I've lost my best friend Falco! Possibly forever!"

Fox stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"On the plus side," he added, "things can't get any worse."

It started raining. Indoors.

"NUUUUUUUEEEEE!" screamed Fox.

* * *

"I don't think he's following us," said Marth, glancing behind as they strolled down the main staircase.

"Good," said Falco. "I hate him. I can't believe I hadn't done that already."

"He is going to be so mad at you," said Marth.

"Doubtful," said Falco. "If anything, he's going to have a breakdown. Fox is a little bit… fragile, if you get my meaning."

"Fair enough," said Marth. "Hey, have I told you about Fiery Emblem?"

"Fire _what_?" said Falco.

"Well, it's – _woah_!" Marth broke off from the sentence, slightly distracted by the fact that he had just tripped over something and was now falling down the last few steps of the staircase and crashing into the carpeted floor below.

"Marth! Are you okay?" said Falco, worried.

"Um… yeah… of course…" muttered Marth.

"Oh, thank goodness," said Falco, relieved.

"That was sarcasm, _noob_," groaned Marth, falling unconscious.

Falco gasped.

"Marth's dead!"

Falco glanced down at his own feet and noticed Pikachu standing there, whistling and all in all looking pretty unsuspicious.

"Hey, Pikachu," said Falco. "Do you know what Marth tripped on?"

"Pika…" (_No…_) said Pikachu, shaking his head.

"Oh, okay," said Falco.

"Pika pi chupi ka," (_It certainly wasn't me,_) added Pikachu.

"Oh, of course," laughed Falco. "Frankly, I'm surprised you even brought up the possibility. I mean, the thought that you could have caused Marth's untimely demise is… well, ludicrous."

Pikachu breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, I'm glad we settled that," said Falco. "I feel much better."

Falco glanced at the bottom of the steps where Marth lay.

"Oh, that's right," said Falco.

Something clicked.

"OMFG MARTH'S DEAD!" Falco screamed.

"No-a, he's not!" proclaimed a voice.

Dr Mario strode into the room.

"_Dr Mario?_" exclaimed Falco and Pikachu together.

"That's-a right!" said Dr Mario. "It is-a me, Doctor Mario! And I know exactly what is-a wrong with Marth!"

"Oh, wonderful!" said Falco. "For a moment, I thought that my newfound friend had suddenly died!"

"Not to fear!" said Dr Mario. He pulled out a medical textbook, and began to peruse it.

Falco and Pikachu watched with interest.

"Aha! Marth has been knocked unconscious!" said Dr Mario.

"…that was kind of obvious," said Falco.

Dr Mario stared at him angrily. "I am a real doctor!" he said indignantly.

"…right," said Falco.

"That's a lie!" said Pikachu. "I've done some investigation, and I've found out your real identity!"

Everyone present gasped.

"Dr Mario is actually… Zelda!" cried Pikachu.

"Ha!" said Dr Mario. "You're-a wrong!" He ripped off his lab coat. "I am actually… Luigi!"

"Surely not!" gasped Pikachu.

"Luigi? That's… impossible!" said Falco.

"Obviously not," said Luigi.

Silence hung in the air.

"So…" said Luigi. "Aren't you going to ask me why-a I did it?"

"Nah," said Falco.

More silence.

"You're not going to arrest me or anything?" said Luigi.

Falco shook his head.

"Oh," said Luigi. "Okay."

More silence.

"This stinks," said Pikachu, trotting up the stairs.

Silence.

"You know what?" said Falco. "I think I'm going to look for the real Mario, see if I can get Marth some help."

He walked out of the room.

Silence.

"Nobody loves me," said Luigi sadly.

Silence.

"Oh-a, woe. Oh, the angst," lamented Luigi.

Silence.

Luigi got bored and left.

* * *

"You _finally_ made it," said Ganondorf pointedly.

Donkey Kong closed the door behind him and took a seat.

The three of them were now sitting on cosy pink armchairs placed in a circle: Ganondorf, Bowser and DK.

The room was dimly lit and had a glowing charcoal fireplace. Frankly, the fireplace wasn't important in the slightest. I don't think the fireplace is going to have anything to do with anything once this line is over, and I'm the _author_, for goodness' sake. I don't know why I even wrote that. Maybe I was trying to be descriptive. I suck at authorship. (That was supposed to be a joke. _Laugh._)

"So what exactly are we doing here?" said DK, glancing confusedly at the other two.

"Obviously we're plotting something malicious and evil," said Bowser.

Ganondorf nodded. "I mean, out of all the Smashers, we're apparently the nastiest. We're almost obligated to go around kidnapping princesses."

"Woah!" said DK, raising his hands and standing up. "That's… that's horrible! I don't kidnap princesses!"

"You used to," said Ganondorf.

"Yeah, well, not any more," said DK. "I'm a good guy now."

"No, you're not," said Bowser. "I mean, look at me! I hug bunnies and I'm still evil enough to burn people to death!"

"You hug _what_?" said Ganondorf.

"Uh… never mind," said Bowser. "I meant, I hug… _monsters_. Yeah… monsters."

"Huh," said Ganondorf.

"You know what?" said DK. "You two have fun in your… your 'evil club'. I'm going down to the kitchen to get some bananas."

"Fine," snapped Ganondorf. "You go do your boring ape stuff. _We_ are going to kidnap ourselves some princesses."

DK shrugged and walked out of the room.

As soon as the door was closed behind him, DK started thinking hurriedly.

_Oh no,_ he thought, _I've got to warn Zelda!_

He ran down the hallway.

_…and Peach,_ he added. _I've got to warn Zelda _and_ Peach._

He stopped.

_Wait… screw Peach_, he thought, _nobody cares about Peach much anyway. I have to warn Zelda! Beautiful, sweet… um…_

DK continued to run down the stairs. He reached the bottom, stepping on something that was big and heavy with blue hair.

"Where do I go now?" he wondered aloud.

Mario ran into the room, looking concerned.

"Ah, Mario!" said DK, relieved. "Have you seen Zelda?"

Mario looked at DK.

"…I mean, uh, have you seen Peach and Zelda? Not just Zelda?" DK amended.

"I'm afraid-a not," said Mario. "Perhaps they are in the kitchen."

"The kitchen, eh?" said DK.

* * *

_Meanwhile… in the kitchen… of doooooom…_

"I can't _believe_ that pig Link asked me to make scones for everyone!" said Zelda angrily, throwing a blob of yeast at the wall. "What a _chauvinist_!"

"Hehe," said Peach, picking up a frying pan.

"I mean," said Zelda, "sure, perhaps I'm a better pastry chef than him, but does he really expect me to just make stuff on demand?"

Peach hit herself in the face with the frying pan.

"And he goes on about being such a righteous, good person," continued Zelda. "You know what I mean, Peach?"

"Ow!" said Peach.

Zelda cast a spell on the yeast, causing it to turn into a lump of apple jam. "I mean, if you're so high and mighty and moral, why can't you cook your own stupid meals?"

Peach hit herself in the face with the frying pan.

"I have half a mind to tell Link how completely _stupid_ he is," said Zelda, "just to see the look on his face."

"Ow!" said Peach.

"Now, that would be rich," said Zelda. "I'd need to bring one of those camera things, of course. Just so I can look at that expression whenever I'm feeling down."

Peach hit herself in the face with the frying pan.

"And he calls himself the Hero of Time," said Zelda, cringing as she examined the jam. "Can't he _hero_ himself a bit more _time_ to do a bit of manual labour, instead of prancing around like that?" She laughed at her own wit.

"Ow!" said Peach.

"Hero of Time?" said Zelda. "More like Hero of Slime." She giggled.

* * *

"Hey," said Jigglypuff, waddling into the hallway, "long time no see."

(Okay, she really said 'Ig jig piggly ig puff'. Who cares? Just… imagine she's saying that. Same for the other Pokemon, and Yoshi.)

"Hi, Jig-Jig!" said Pichu happily. He waved a hot dog in the air. "Pikachu gave me this hot dog! Isn't he the best?"

Jigglypuff then noticed Pikachu, who was standing right next to Pichu. "Oh, you. Hi."

Pichu chewed on his hot dog.

"I have this bag of potato chips for you," said Jigglypuff, tossing said article to Pichu.

"Yay!" said Pichu. "Thanks, you're the best!"

Pikachu looked at Jigglypuff, annoyed. "Are we still going to try to play favourites with Pichu?"

"Yeah, well, do you have any better ideas?" said Jigglypuff.

"Hmm…" said Pikachu. "We could try just being friends."

"Ooh," said Jigglypuff. "That's a good idea! And then we can get to know each other better, and fall in love, and we can cuddle Pichu together, and then we'll get married, and we'll have a boat, and we'll kill Luigi, and we'll sail all the way to another planet!"

"…" said Pikachu.

"Yeah, exactly," said Jigglypuff.

"Well, until we find something better to do," shrugged Pikachu, "I got you this cake, Pichu…"

Mewtwo glided into the room quietly. "_Greetings, fellow Pokemon_," he said to them telepathically.

"…or we could gang up on Mewtwo and annoy him!" said Jigglypuff.

"Hey, that's a great idea!" said Pikachu.

"I'll go get some water bombs!" said Jigglypuff

"_Don't you dare,_" said Mewtwo, looking at them menacingly.

Jigglypuff ran into her room, and ran back out again, now holding a heavy-looking balloon.

"Hey, wait!" said Pikachu, racing into his room and running out with a camera.

"_If you throw that balloon at me, mortals,_" said Mewtwo threateningly, "_I will make your lives pure misery!_"

"Go on…" prompted Pikachu.

Jigglypuff threw the balloon at Mewtwo. It popped, showering Mewtwo with liquid.

"ARGH!" screamed Mewtwo. "My eyes! They _burn_! I shall have my revenge upon you!"

Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Pichu ran away, really fast.

"He's so going to kill us!" laughed Pikachu as they ran.

"Yeah!" said Jigglypuff. "This is so much fun!"

"Where are we going?" said Pichu.

"He's probably right behind us!" said Pikachu. "We have to run faster!"

"I wouldn't be so sure," panted Jigglypuff. "That balloon was filled with sulphuric acid!"

"Wait… _what_?" said Pikachu.

"So I guess it's not a water balloon," said Jigglypuff, "more like an acid balloon." She giggled.

"Not… good…" said Pikachu.

* * *

Master Hand floated down in front of the Smash Mansion. It was early in the day and the sky was a bright, joyous blue.

"Well, back here again!" he exclaimed. "My Smash Mansion, home to the Super Smash Bros fighting tournaments!"

Crazy Hand floated out through the front door.

"You again…" said Master Hand, slowing.

"Hello, Master Hand!" said Crazy Hand, bobbing up and down really fast. "You thought you could keep me locked up in my padded cell forever? You were _wrong_!"

"I asked you politely not to interrupt the guests," said Master Hand.

"I have not interrupted the Smashers," said Crazy Hand. "I am a good hand."

"What's that you're holding, then?" said Master Hand, pointing at the small, green, dinosaur-like thing Crazy was holding.

"I… well… it's my new toy!" said Crazy Hand.

"It's Yoshi," said Master Hand.

"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI…" shouted Crazy Hand at an insane volume.

"Ararararararar…" cried Yoshi.

"ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE…"

"Meh," said Master Hand, "you're not a very interesting Smasher. Crazy, put him down gently when you're done."

"…arararararararararar…" said Yoshi.

"I LOST MY POOR MEATBALLS…"

Master Hand floated in through the front doors of the Smash Mansion.

* * *

Thusly the chapter ends.

Please leave a review. Even two words ('tihs sux') are fine. I just want to get an impression of how many people actually read that thing through to the end. Of course, if you have any complaints, praise, suggestions on what I could do better, or other comments, I'd really like to hear them too.

Expect another chapter reasonably soon.

* * *


	2. Purple Sheets

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

Disclaimer: I wrote this story. When I'm dead, nobody will remember me for it.

* * *

Thank you for all the reviews. They tasted delicious. Give more. Please.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Upon entering the Smash Mansion, Master Hand slowed to a stop.

"Um… where is everyone?" said Master Hand.

The grand atrium was practically empty, not counting all of the million-dollar vases and statues that were casually littered on the floor. The only sign of life was Master Hand, floating right in front of the door, and Mario, kneeling over something in front of the grand staircase.

"Oh, hi there, Mario," said Master Hand.

"Marth is-a unconscious," said Mario. "I'm not sure what happened to him!"

"Yes, yes," said Master Hand impatiently. "Could you go round up all the other Smash Brothers? I'm about to give my exciting opening speech."

"But Marth could die if we just-a leave him bleeding here!" said Mario, aghast.

"Yeah, right," said Master Hand. "Marth isn't going to die. Not as long as there are millions of fangirls out there, praying for him."

"That doesn't mean anything!" said Mario.

Master Hand casually threw a china vase at Mario.

"Ow-a!" said Mario.

Master Hand raised his voice and shouted: "_Smash Brothers! If you don't come down here and give me your full attention I will personally kill Toad!_"

* * *

_Four seconds later…_

"You can't kill Toad!" screamed Fox, diving down the stairs, "he's the best!"

"Are we all here?" said Master Hand, quickly counting all the people sitting down.

"Everyone except for Mr Game and Watch," said Link helpfully.

"Thanks, Link," said Master Hand. "You could easily be the most helpful out of all the Smashers. Nobody else here seems quite as pure-hearted as you."

"Aw, thanks," said Link, blushing slightly.

"Now for my welcome speech!" said Master Hand brightly.

Everybody nodded.

"Right," said Master Hand. "Two years ago, I held the first ever 'Super Smash Bros.' tournament here, in the Smash Mansion. Thousands watched as you fought. Lives were forever changed. So… well…"

Everyone waited expectantly.

"You know what?" said Master Hand. "Screw you all. The money I have from sponsorship alone should keep me rich forever. You people go have fun for the next few days or so, until everything's ready."

Everyone stared blankly.

"Oh," he added as an afterthought, "please don't die."

He floated off.

Silence.

"Uh, applause," said Link.

Everybody gave a standing ovation.

"So…" said Mewtwo ominously, "the welcome speech is over?"

"That's-a right," said Mario. "You can go back to whatever you were doing."

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Pichu, fleeing the room. Mewtwo followed after them.

"Hmm…" said Link. "That's… odd behaviour…"

"Hey," said Marth, stretching. "It's noon already. Has anyone thought about lunch?"

"Not-a yet," said Luigi. "Perhaps-"

"Shut up, Luigi," jeered Marth. "Nobody cares about you."

"Yes, _loser_," jeered Mario.

"Well, then," said Link. "Zelda, there are about twenty-five of us here, could you fix us up-"

"_No!_" spat Zelda. "I've had it with you and your chauvinistic little approach to domestic affairs! I am the keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom, not your _personal chef_!"

"But… but…" stammered Link.

"I've put up with you for long enough. This is it! Goodbye, Link," said Zelda. Dignified, she stood up and walked up the staircase.

"No! Wait!" said Link.

"Oops," said Zelda, "nearly forgot. I came up with an insult just then. Do you want to hear it?"

"Yes," said Link, completely sincerely.

"Hero of Time – more like, Hero of Slime," said Zelda angrily.

Link stared blankly at her.

"Wasn't that a powerful parting shot?" said Zelda.

"That was the worst insult ever!" said Link weakly.

"You're just jealous," said Zelda. She walked on up the stairs and out of sight.

"Well… um…" said Link. He looked behind him.

Just about all the other Smashers were sitting behind him, looking equally surprised.

"NOOOOO! ZELDA!" yelled Link, running up the stairs madly.

"I'll… just call for pizza, then," said Captain Falcon.

* * *

"Maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement," said Pikachu.

"_I shall have my **revenge** on you, puny mortals!_" cried Mewtwo. A ball of dark energy narrowly missed Pikachu. He and the other two dived through a door, slamming it shut.

"Um, I'm sorry?" said Jigglypuff, as she and Pikachu pushed a bookcase full of Elmo books against the door.

"…and then I shall **eat your flesh**!" raged Mewtwo from behind the door.

"Are we safe?" said Pichu, worried.

"Yes," said Pikachu, "we're perfectly safe. Nothing to worry about."

"Yep," agreed Jigglypuff. "Nothing can go wrong!"

"Don't say that!" said Pikachu.

The wall exploded behind them, and Mewtwo floated in angrily.

"Eek!" squeaked Pichu, diving under a table.

"Heh…" said Jigglypuff. She slowly stepped around Mewtwo and towards the space where the wall had been. "Well, you three go have fun; I need to go take a bath-"

With the power of his mind, Mewtwo picked her up and threw her against the far wall. Slowly, deliberately, he turned to Pikachu.

"Uh-oh," said Pikachu. He looked at the camera that was still in his hand. "Wait… I have an idea…"

"And what may that be?" raged Mewtwo slowly.

Pikachu pressed on the camera and the flash bulb went off.

Silence.

"Are you blinded?" said Pikachu.

"No…" said Mewtwo.

"Pikachu! Take this!" shouted Jigglypuff, tossing Pikachu something small and round.

Pikachu looked at it. "Jigglypuff… is that a _hand grenade_?"

"Um… maybe…" said Jigglypuff, averting her eyes.

Pikachu jumped under the table, just as the grenade went off, blowing Mewtwo into the next room.

"See?" said Jigglypuff. "I'm useful to have around, I can always get us out of trouble!"

"**_KILL!_**" screamed Mewtwo from a distance away.

"…or not," said Jigglypuff.

"Where did you get that from?" said Pikachu.

"Somewhere!" said Jigglypuff brightly.

"**_KILL!_**" screamed Mewtwo again, closer this time.

They ran.

* * *

"Breaking news… breaking news…" muttered Roy at a furious pace as he dashed with Marth into their shared room. It had been two rooms when they moved in, but Marth had come up with a creative way of getting quick access to each other. (To Fire Emblem players: Axe beats Wall.)

"Yes!" said Marth. "This is excellent! With this breaking news, we are going to become the most popularest web site blog thing – _ever_! There are already hundreds of people who read Fiery Emblem dot com… with actual content, we're made!"

Roy sat down on a chair and turned on the huge, clunky computer.

"Okay," he said eagerly. "What should I type?"

"Hmm…" said Marth. "How about, 'Zelda dumps Link'?"

"Nice," said Roy. "It has a nice ring to it… a great first exclusive."

"Oh, silly me!" said Marth. "Add the word 'exclusive' to the headline, and about ten times!"

"Sure thing," said Roy, typing it in.

Someone knocked on one of their doors.

"Come in," said Marth, stroking his chin in thought.

"Hey," said Falco. "What are you two – where on earth did you get that _computer_ from?"

"I brought it here with me," said Marth.

"Yeah, but…" said Falco. "You both come from Altea or something like that… continents! In the middle of nowhere! You're stuck in the medieval ages!"

"Magic," replied Roy simply.

"Seriously?" said Falco. "There's like, a 'Make Computer out of Thin Air' spell?"

"Uh-huh," said Roy. "Hey, how about, 'Zelda dumps Link - _violently_'?"

"Extra oomph!" said Marth. "Good one!"

"Yeah, well," said Falco, "can I join in? Seeing as I'm finally free of Fox, maybe I can…"

"…oh, no, you don't," said Roy. "This is secret work, here."

"You're going to post it on the _internet_!" said Falco.

"Yeah, well…" said Roy.

He reached for his sword.

"What?" said Falco. "You're going to stab me?"

"Actually, I was going to kill Marth and then myself to protect the secret, but that's a great idea!" said Roy.

Falco left.

"Aw…" said Marth.

* * *

"You just-a called me a loser," said Luigi.

The atrium was just about empty now; only the Mario brothers remained.

"Yes," said Mario.

"Why?" cried Luigi.

"Because it is-a true," said Mario.

"Ah," said Luigi.

"You are the worst brother imaginable! What use are you?" said Mario. "I have to go around, fighting Bowser and organising pointless sports events, and you – you just sit around, moaning about how nobody likes-a you!"

"But… but…" stammered Luigi.

"And what do you do at this-a tournament?" said Mario. "You are a useless fighter! You can't even get a single hit in, ever!"

"There… there was that one time I slapped Pichu in a fight," said Luigi defiantly.

"…after Kirby knocked him out and threw him into the middle of the battlefield for stealing his Gobstoppers! If I recall correctly, you were actually fighting Jigglypuff at the time."

"Still…" said Luigi.

"Still, nothing!" said Mario. "Luigi, I **disown** you as a brother! You are an insult to my reputation!"

"What?" said Luigi. "But Mario, I shall-"

"Are you going to fight me, little-ugly-tallish-man-in-a-green-suit-with-a-green-cap-whose-name-begins-with-L?" said Mario.

"…" said Link.

"Luigi?" added Mario.

"Yes!" said Luigi. "To the death!"

"Good luck!" said Mario. "You're too weak to kill-a anyone. Ever. You don't even have any weapons."

* * *

"Jigglypuff, where did you get all that stuff from?" said Pikachu, as they stopped in the middle of an air-conditioning duct to take a much-needed rest.

"Luigi's room," said Jigglypuff simply.

"The hand grenade?" said Pikachu bemusedly. "Seriously, Jiggy…"

"I did!" said Jigglypuff indignantly. "Luigi's room is cool, he has all this stuff!" Seeing that Pikachu wasn't convinced, she added, "Like, um, rocket launchers! Throwing knives! An army of angry souls trapped in a vacuum cleaner!"

"That's stupid!" said Pikachu. "There's no reason for Luigi to have all that weapon stuff! He doesn't have an enemy in the world!"

Jigglypuff shrugged. "Well, it's true."

"Nuh-uh," said Pikachu.

"Uh-huh," said Jigglypuff.

"Nuh-uh," said Pikachu.

"Uh-huh," said Jigglypuff.

"Nuh-uh," said Pikachu.

"Uh-huh," said Jigglypuff.

"**_KILL!_**" cried Mewtwo, setting the ceiling on fire with the power of his mind.

"Nuh-uh," said Pikachu.

"Uh-huh," said Jigglypuff.

They were on fire.

"We should be going," said Pikachu.

"Agreed," said Jigglypuff.

* * *

"All right!" said Ness. "The next stage of my – I mean, _our_ plan to get a Vee is to convince someone else, someone in a position of power!"

"You mean Master Hand?" said Nana, not taking her eyes off the screen, where Young Link, still playing Kirby, jumped over a smiling, sunny, shiny maths textbook that was shooting out little differential bolts of **doom**.

"Exactly," said Ness. "A couple of us should go up to his office and convince him that video games are a completely worthwhile excuse for spending money! Moreso than food!"

"Okay," said Young Link. "Hey, Ness, do you wanna shot?"

"Getting a Vee is far more important than playing on that outdated, archaic Regular-Hexahedron!" said Ness self-importantly.

"What?" said Nana.

"…I meant CubeStation," said Ness, resigned. "It was a joke."

"I thought so," said Nana. As an afterthought, "…_nerd_."

"Come on, Nana, Popo, Young Link," said Ness. "We're going to get that Vee through rain and shine!"

"Sure, whatever," said Young Link, tossing the controller to Kirby. It landed on Kirby's feet.

"ARGH! My eyes!" cried Kirby, clutching his eyes in pain.

* * *

"Stupid Link," muttered Zelda. "Thinks he's so good… well, I showed him." She went into her designated bedroom, and sat down gently on the bed.

Bowser and Ganondorf walked into the room.

"Hey," said Zelda, "what do you two want?" Annoyed, she crossed her arms.

Seemingly startled, Ganondorf considered. "Er… evil… I mean, good… non-kidnapping… things…"

Ganondorf and Bowser grabbed Zelda and ran out.

"AAAAAAAAAH OMFG!" cried Zelda, aghast. "SAEV ME LENK!"

* * *

"Hi, Master Hand," said Ness, opening the door slowly, "I was wondering if-"

"_Get us a Vee!_" cried Young Link, jumping through the doorway with his sword raised.

"Woah, woah," said Master Hand, rising up into the air, "no need to get violent or anything."

"Subtlety, Young Link," whispered Ness.

"Shut up, bighead," said Young Link.

"Do whatever Ness says," said Nana, picking up Popo and brandishing him threateningly.

"Hey! You can't just throw me at people!" said Popo.

Nana threw Popo at Young Link.

Young Link fell silent.

"Um, thanks, Nana," said Ness. "Well… we're here to talk to you about the merits of the video game industry in a purely economic context."

"Ooh, money," said Master Hand, settling down again. "Talk away!"

"Right! Thanks!" said Ness. "Now, as you're probably aware…"

The wall next to the door exploded.

"Yes, Samus?" said Master Hand.

Samus walked in, looking particularly peeved. "I just went to my room," she said slowly.

"Right," said Master Hand brightly. "That's lovely."

"It's pink," said Samus.

"Pardon?" said Master Hand.

"My _room_ is _pink_," said Samus, sounding very edgy. "The _walls_ are painted a bright pink. There are fuchsia-coloured _carpets_ all over _my freaking floor_."

"Oh, that," said Master Hand, sounding a little bit guilty. "Yes, well…"

"And do you know what colour the _bed_ is?" said Samus really loudly, raising her arm cannon.

"Wait… thinking…" said Master Hand, moving back slightly. Ness and Nana backed away slightly.

"The bed is PURPLE! Purple, purple, _purple_!" shouted Samus, shooting at a bookshelf full of SSB leaflets which burst into flames.

"Maybe we can come back later," suggested Ness, struggling with Nana to lift Popo off Young Link.

"LOOK AT ME!" screamed Samus. "Look at me, _Master Hand_! Do I look like a **_purple person_** to you? Am I the **purpliest **person you know? Am I the official _Purple Mascot_ of _Purple Land_?" She kicked over Master Hand's desk.

"Woah, woah!" said Master Hand. "Hey! I didn't assign rooms to people! It was all, um, er… Link's job! Go complain to him."

"Oh," said Samus, calming down.

"Yes," said Master Hand. "It was Link. Link did it. Have fun."

"Oh, I will," said Samus politely. "Thank you very much, Master Hand." She picked up a large, poison-tipped spear from the floor. "Can I keep this?"

"What? That's not mine," said Master Hand.

"Oh," said Samus, dropping it. "Okay, I'm going to go mutilate… pardon me, _talk to_ Link now."

She walked out.

Nana looked at the spear. "Cool, you leave pointy stuff lying around! Can I have it?"

"I told you," said Master Hand, "it's not mine."

"Oops, I think I dropped it," said a voice from in the ceiling. "Could you pass it back up through the air ducts?"

Nana shrugged and passed the spear back up.

"Thanks!" said the voice. "I'm gonna go give this back to Luigi."

Silence.

"That was really random," said Ness.

"Which bit?" said Master Hand.

"All of the past seven minutes," said Ness.

"Yes," said Master Hand, "yes, it was."

* * *

Blearily, Yoshi opened his eyes, and saw Crazy Hand hovering above him with a chainsaw.

"Arararararararar…" said Yoshi.

"EET'S OKEY," said Crazy Hand, "EYE AM HEAR TOO HELP YOU."

"…rararararararar…" continued Yoshi.

* * *

Fuming, Luigi stormed down the hallway to his bedroom.

"Not-a this time, _brother_," he muttered, "I shall show-a you, I shall show you all, I am _Luigi_, you cannot treat me like dirt…"

"Hi, dirt!" said Peach brightly. She was standing in front of the door.

"Please get out of my way-a," said Luigi angrily.

"I heard that Mario broke up with you!" said Peach, the dumb smile not leaving her face the entire time.

"_Peach_…" said Luigi.

"Do you remember the time I broke up with Pikachu?" said Peach.

"Peach, just-a – wait a minute, _what_?" said Luigi.

"It was a dark and stormy night…" said Peach…

* * *

_Flashback…_

Battered, bruised, Mario walked across the bridge he had just pushed Bowser off and walked straight for the throne room.

"Hey," said Toad cheerily.

"Toad, just give-a me Peach, okay?" growled Mario.

"I'm sorry, but our Princess is in another castle," said Toad, smiling.

Mario looked angrily at him.

"I'll _kill_ you!" cried Mario.

Giggling, Peach pulled off the Toad costume.

"What?" said Mario.

"Hehehe, it was actually me all along!" said Peach happily.

"…" said Mario.

"I just kind of went to each castle in this costume, right, and like, you kept on thinking, 'oh no, Peach isn't here', and like, it was real fun!" said Peach gleefully.

"…" said Mario angrily.

"And then," said Peach, "it was like, oh, look, Mario's fighting Bowser for the tenth time, sucks to be him. Hehehe!"

Mario picked up an axe.

* * *

_Present day…_

"And he didn't look very happy, either," said Peach. "I guess…"

Luigi was gone.

"That's weird," said Peach.

Peach was lying in the garden, as if she'd been thrown out of a window.

"Huh," said Peach.

She got up and walked off, singing to herself.

* * *


	3. The Pizza Arrives

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Link kicked down the door to Zelda's room.

"Zelda," he said gently, "I'm really, _really_ sorry that I hurt…"

His voice trailed off as he realised that Zelda wasn't there.

"Zelda? Where are you?" said Link.

Because she wasn't there, Zelda didn't hear him.

"That… really sucks…" said Link.

"Well, hello there," said Samus, walking slowly into the room behind him.

Link spun around tersely, and then relaxed.

"Oh, it's just you, Samus," said Link. "That was worrying; for a moment I thought that some homicidal maniac had killed Zelda and was preparing to kill me."

"I didn't kill Zelda," protested Samus.

"What?" said Link.

"Oh, nothing," said Samus. She glanced down the hallway.

"Hey, Samus!" Falco shouted from the other end.

Samus sighed. "Hey, Link, could you come with me to somewhere… private? You see, I need to… talk with you… yes… I'm a talkative person… with missiles…"

"I'm sorry," said Link apologetically. "But I'm trying to make amends with Zelda right now. She said some things about me, and I think she might be right!"

"Really," said Samus, sounding disappointed and bored.

"Oh, yes," said Link. "Maybe I'm not a hero after all – maybe I'm completely _evil_! Like Ganondorf! That's why I need to go and apologise!"

Link dashed out of the room, screaming, "_I don't want to be a bad guy!_"

Samus clenched her left fist, annoyed. "Fine," she said. "Don't think you can escape my wrath, little Link… ha…"

Samus raised her arms and stared at the ceiling intently.

"Ha, ha… ha, ha, ha… MUAHAHAHAHA!" she cried.

"Hey, Samus," said Falco from the other end of the hallway.

"_Yes?_" said Samus, annoyed.

"You're a nutcase," said Falco.

"Screw you," said Samus, "birdbrain."

"Oh, the wit," said Falco sarcastically. He walked off, looking very angry. In a totally angsty way.

"Right…" said Samus. She raised her arms again. "MUAHAHAHA!..."

* * *

"So much pain-a… and anger…"

Luigi was alone in his room, curled on his bed in the foetal position, like a baby. A baby in the foetal position. (Yeah, _that's_ completely comprehensible…)

"Why-a am I so _hated_?" moaned Luigi, raising his arms and staring at the ceiling. "Must I live this life alone?"

As if in answer, the doorbell to the entire mansion rung.

"Yes…" said Luigi, understanding. "The doorbell is the sign. This is it… I shall have-a my _revenge_!"

His mind now set, he picked up a couple of random weapons he had brought in his luggage just in case.

"Mario shall be first…" said Luigi. "Then you shall _all_ go!"

He laughed manically.

"My first act of wanton violence," said Luigi, "shall be to destroy this pot plant of Master Hand's!"

Luigi picked up his flamethrower and aimed it at the fern on the windowsill. His lips curled into a smile.

"Take _that_, you small leafy metaphor for the utter insignificance of my existence in the cosmos!" shouted Luigi, as the flamethrower completely obliterated all traces of the fern.

When it was all over, and the fern had undoubtedly met an untimely demise, Luigi chuckled again, and ran out of the room.

* * *

The doorbell rang.

"Ah, that must be the pizza," said Captain Falcon, walking down the atrium stairs and towards the front door. He opened it.

"Hi," said a teenage girl dressed in full body armour with pink and green hair. "I'm really not stalking Roy! Please let me in!"

"You're not the pizza," said Captain Falcon angrily.

"…I could be?" said the girl hopefully.

"Hey!" shouted another voice out of view. "You can see his room from here!"

"_Seriously?_" screamed the Roy fangirl, running off.

"Right…" said Captain Falcon.

He closed the door.

The doorbell rang.

He opened the door.

"Hi," said a Koopa, who was carrying a stack of pizza boxes. "I have pizzas for the 'Smash Brothers'."

"Ah, right," said Captain Falcon. "Excellent. How come I didn't see you when I closed the door half a second ago?"

"Because I'm really, really fast," said the Koopa, handing Captain Falcon the pizzas.

"Anyway, all that totals up to three thousand dollars," said the Koopa, "or one wedding ring."

"What?" said Captain Falcon. "That's ridiculous! It says thirty dollars for the Freakishly Big Family Meal on the takeaway menu!"

"It does?" said the Koopa, glancing at it.

Jigglypuff and Pikachu ran around the Koopa and ducked behind him.

"Oops," said the Koopa, "that was a mistake, that decimal point shouldn't be there. Now cough the money up."

"But… but I don't have the money…" stammered Captain Falcon.

"Then I'll just call my boss and he'll sue you out of your clothes," laughed the Koopa in a friendly way.

"Really?" said Captain Falcon.

"Yes."

"Urk," said Captain Falcon.

The Koopa reached for his mobile phone.

"I don't think he sees us," whispered Pikachu.

"Yep," said Jigglypuff, "_nothing_ can go wrong now."

"_Don't say that!_" whispered Pikachu anxiously.

"Hey," said Captain Falcon, "can you two help me out of this mess?"

Pikachu waved his arms wildly, making 'shush' gestures.

"What?" said Captain Falcon. "You don't want me to acknowledge your presence as you _hide behind the Koopa_?"

A ball of dark energy hit the Koopa. It screamed as it was instantly vaporised by the powerful energy.

"_RUN_!" shouted Pikachu, picking up Pichu and dashing out of view.

"Yeah, um, sorry we couldn't help," said Jigglypuff to Falcon, grabbing a pizza box and fleeing.

"What the…?" said Captain Falcon.

Mewtwo ran past the doorway, screaming obscenities.

"Hey," said Captain Falcon, "the pizza's free now! Cool!"

He took the pizzas in.

* * *

"Stupid game," said Kirby, squinting in concentration as he died yet another time.

"Hey," said Nana, walking in casually.

"Hi," said Kirby, "how did the talky thing with Master Hand go?"

"It went all right," said Nana, taking a seat on the couch next to Kirby. "You still playing that same game?"

"Yep," said Kirby. "It's pretty hard."

"It's a Kirby game," said Nana, "shouldn't you be good at that stuff?"

"I guess… but I can barely see the screen," said Kirby.

Nana took the sunglasses off Kirby's face.

"Hey!" said Kirby. "Cool! That's much better, thanks a lot!"

"Glad to help," said Nana.

"Where are the others?" said Kirby.

"Popo and Baby Link…"

"_Young_ Link," corrected Kirby.

"Popo and Young Link are unconscious for reasons wholly unrelated to my mildly sadistic approach to friendship," said Nana. "Ness is dragging them here."

"Right," said Kirby.

On the screen, a huge evil puffer fish exploded.

"Nice," said Nana. "So is that like the evil villain?"

"Don't be silly," said Kirby, "the evil villain is always a big floating thing with a single, ugly eye. It's like a law of the universe."

"Right…" said Nana. "So why were you fighting the puffer fish?"

"Well," said Kirby, "it was hiding one of the magical Rainbow Petals."

"Oh," said Nana, "and you need them to finish the game?"

"No," said Kirby, "but if you collect all two-hundred of the magical Rainbow Petals, you get the _real_ final boss!"

"Which is?" said Nana.

"Space Invaders!" said Kirby.

Ness came in, dragging Popo and Young Link behind him with his telekinesis.

"About _time_," said Nana.

"Popo is still unconscious," said Ness, "and Young Link's eyes suddenly started bleeding when I dragged him past a Picasso painting. But mostly, everything is okay."

"Well, that's great to know," said Nana. "I'm watching Kirby play this game."

"Right," said Ness. He paused for a moment. "You know, we've been playing this game for practically half an hour. We have other games, too."

"But Kirby's almost got all the Heart Star Rod pieces!" said Nana.

"They're _Rainbow Petals_," said Kirby angrily.

"But this is so stupid! Why would _Kirby_ play a _Kirby_ game?" said Ness angrily.

Nana picked up an ice pick, faced Ness, and lifted it above her head…

"_PIZZA'S HERE!_" called Captain Falcon from downstairs.

"Ooh, pizza," said Nana.

"Phew," said Ness. "That was a close escape from death."

"Uh-huh," said Nana. "I bet that by the time we finish lunch, I'll have forgotten I was trying to kill you!"

Nana and Ness left.

"Hey, wait!" said Kirby. "Wait for me! I want to finish this game first!"

Silence.

"Must choose… between extremely addictive and implausible videogame… and food…" said Kirby, one of his fourteen worst fears realised.

In his delirious state, he started to see things and personify inanimate objects.

"_Choose me_!" said the videogame, "playing video games makes you violent and psychopathic!"

"_Choose me_!" said a pizza box, floating in the air. "I just make you fat!"

"Too many choices!" cried Kirby. "I don't know what to choose!"

"NUUUUEEEEEZ!" cried Kirby.

* * *

"Now," said Link, "I've checked Zelda's room, my room, Zelda's room, and the staircase. The only other possible place Zelda could be is as a hostage in Ganondorf's room!"

His face set with determination, Link raced to Ganondorf's room.

"Muahahahaha!" laughed a voice through Ganondorf's door.

"Hey," said Link, knocking politely, "can I come in?"

"What?" said a growly voice that must have belonged to Bowser. "Is that you, Link?"

"Yes," said Link.

"What are you doing here?" said Ganondorf.

"Are you here to _save_ me?" said Zelda.

"Yes," said Link.

"Yes, what?" said Ganondorf.

"I was talking to Zelda," said Link.

"Well, you can't come in," said Bowser.

Link kicked down the door.

"Ooh, very creative," said Ganondorf. "You shall be – a _worthy opponent_!"

Ganondorf walked up to Link and slapped him.

"Ow!" said Link.

Link poked Ganondorf with his sword.

"Hey! That hurts!" said Ganondorf.

"_This_ is the climatic fight?" said Bowser.

"Link, please free me; I'm sorry about what I said before," begged Zelda. The laces of her sandals had been tied together.

"Can't you just untie those laces?" said Link, ducking as Ganondorf tried to slap him again. "I'm kind of busy here."

"Oh, _fine_," said Zelda, "refuse a lady help."

"You know," said Ganondorf, looking over his shoulder as Link poked him again, "considering that you got angry at him for being a chauvinist a few minutes ago, that's kind of… girly."

"You _sexist_ little dark lord!" cried Zelda.

Link frowned. "Wait, Zelda, sandals don't have shoelaces-"

Ganondorf grabbed Link and threw him against the wall.

"Ow!" said Link. "That was _violent_!"

A pause.

"But you'll never be able to break my morale!" said Link defiantly.

Ganondorf picked up a huge sword the size of Link.

"Morale…" said Link slowly, eyes widening.

Ganondorf lifed the sword above his shoulder, as if about to deliver a final blow, but obviously not as killing Link off would be a horrible mistake…

The wall exploded behind Bowser, causing everyone to turn around.

"Link," hissed Samus, walking through the wreckage.

"You know, the door was open," said Bowser.

"Silence," hissed Samus. "I'm here to have my revenge upon Link."

"What did I do?" said Link.

"Does **_purple_** ring a bell?" shouted Samus.

"No," said Link.

"Well, it should," said Samus.

"Well, it doesn't," said Link.

"Hey," said Ganondorf, waving the huge sword around, "I dibs killing Link."

"No fair!" said Samus. "Just because you're more evil!"

"Someone, please free me from these shoelaces!" cried Zelda.

The boots fell off Zelda's feet.

"Hey… I'm free…" said Zelda, amazed.

She walked out as if in a daze.

"What do you think I did to you, Samus?" said Link.

"You know what you did to me," said Samus. "Just look at the colour of my bedroom… does that _jog your spiteful little memory_?"

"No," said Link. "Um… wait…"

_Oh no_, thought Link, _how do I get out of this?_

"Aha!" said Link. "Samus… er… it's** all Ganondorf's fault!**"

And with that witty parting shot, he fled the room.

"Oh," said Samus. "Ganondorf's fault, eh?"

"What?" said Ganondorf.

"And I bet this _Bowser_ fellow was in on it too, eh?" added Samus angrily.

"Hey," said Bowser, "I had nothing to do with it."

"_Sure_, Bowser," said Samus, raising her arm cannon, "_sure_, I _completely_ believe that."

"Phew," sighed Bowser.

"SARCASM!" shouted Samus, and the missile feast began.

* * *

"This sure is some good pizza," said Captain Falcon. They were all seated around a long banquet table, eating hungrily.

"Yep," said Kirby, who seemed to have recovered from his trauma. "Mmm, lunch is the sixth-best meal of the day."

"I can make a better pizza," boasted Mario. "In fact, I have-a done so many times."

"Yeah, yeah," said Falco, "we really care."

Everyone ate in silence for a while.

"You know," said Roy, "our web site has already had over half a million-"

One of the doors to the dining room flung open to reveal a very angry-looking Luigi.

"Hi, there, Luigi," said Mario. "Are you here to apologise?"

"I will _kill you all_!" thundered Luigi, waving a flamethrower back and forth.

"Woah, dude," said Captain Falcon, "we're in the middle of lunch here."

"I don't-a care!" cried Luigi.

Everybody gasped.

"That's right!" said Luigi. "I am going to kill each and every one of you, and ruin your lunch!"

"He's _insane_!" cried Ness.

"MUAHAHAHA!" cried Luigi.

"Everybody _run_!" shouted Link.

Silence.

They ran.

* * *

"Yoshi hup harr yoshi!" cried Yoshi (_Please let me go!_).

"I'm not going to do what you tell me to!" cried Crazy Hand, waving a large chainsaw about.

"Um… _don't_ let me go!" said Yoshi, on a hunch.

"Hmm," said Crazy Hand. "I must decide between torturing Yoshi or not honouring Yoshi's request…"

While Crazy Hand was thinking, Yoshi slipped out of the room and ran as fast as his legs could take him…

…straight into Luigi.

"Yoshi…" said Yoshi, relieved.

"You must all die!" cried Luigi, setting Yoshi on fire.

"Arararararar…" said Yoshi.

* * *

"That was great fun," said Samus.

"I'm on fire!" cried Bowser.

Ganondorf didn't respond, and instead was curled in the foetal position, sobbing.

"You two have made my day feel much better," said Samus.

Ganondorf sobbed even louder.

"And I've realised," said Samus, "there's nothing wrong with a purple room. Actually, it goes pretty well with my Gravity Suit."

"So… why did you hurt us?" groaned Bowser.

"For fun," said Samus, in a 'duh' way.

"Ah, okay," said Bowser.

"HELP!" screamed Fox, running past, on fire.

"Anyway," said Samus, "I'll see you two around later. I'd better go down to grab some food."

"What's going on out there?" said Bowser, momentarily distracted from his agonising burn to death.

"What do you mean?" said Samus.

"SAVE US!" yelled Donkey Kong, running past, on fire.

"That's odd," said Samus, "I don't think I set _them_ on fire…"

"Maybe someone else did," suggested Bowser.

"Hey," said Samus, "that's some nice lateral thinking. It makes sense! You're probably right, Bowser!"

"WRONG WAY!" screamed Fox, running past, on fire.

"Woo-hoo," said Bowser, fainting.

"MY CROWN IS MADE OF GOLD!" cried Peach, running past, carrying Kirby.

"Well," said Samus, "better go see what all the fuss is about."

* * *

"You know," said Jigglypuff, "at least we're getting a nice spot of exercise."

"Will you _shut up_?" said Pikachu angrily. "This is all your fault!"

"Is not!" said Jigglypuff.

"Is too!" said Pikachu.

"Are you _arguing_?" said Pichu, worried.

"No, of course not," said Jigglypuff kindly.

"Yes," said Pikachu, "don't be scared, now."

They heard something exploding behind them.

"_I will kill you_!" raged Mewtwo from behind them.

"Hey!" said Jigglypuff, "Be quiet, cat-face!"

"_What did you call me?_" thundered Mewtwo.

"Cat-face!" said Jigglypuff.

"Haha," said Pikachu, "cat-face."

Pichu giggled.

"_Are you _laughing_ at the great Mewtwo?_" thundered Mewtwo.

"Yep!" said Jigglypuff, rolling on the floor with laughter.

"This is so ridiculous!" said Pikachu, laughing with her. "We're… haha… cornered and about to be killed… and…" he choked on his own words, "…we're _laughing_!"

Pikachu doubled over with laughter.

"Hehe?" said Pichu, trying to get in on the joke.

"At least… hehe… things can't get any worse," laughed Jigglypuff.

"_Stop… saying that_!" cried Pikachu between laughs.

Luigi ran into the room with a flamethrower.

"Oops," said Jigglypuff. "Did I do that?"

"Yes," said Pikachu.

"KILL all living things!" cried Luigi.

"_Crush the Pokemon!_" cried Mewtwo.

"Well, we're completely screwed now," said Pikachu.

Jigglypuff nodded. "It looks like our _only hope_ is that, in their blind rage Luigi and Mewtwo accidentally hit each other instead, providing us with the perfect cover to escape!"

"What are the chances of that?" said Pikachu.

It happened exactly as Jigglypuff described.

"Yay!" said Jigglypuff.

"How very lucky indeed," said Pikachu.

"Yes," said Pichu.

They ran away, really, really fast.

* * *


	4. The Brothers' Battle

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

"Oh, Link," said Zelda. "I'm so sorry about what you said earlier."

"Gee, thanks," said Link, gently leading her downstairs.

"You can be as much of a chauvinist pig as you want," continued Zelda, "because I've realised something – the world needs more people like you. People who are firmly committed to saving people like me."

"Gee, thanks," said Link.

"You know, Link," said Zelda, "you're kind of cute."

"Gee, thanks… wait a minute, what?" said Link.

"No, really," said Zelda. "Despite that ridiculous _rag_ you run around in…"

"It's not a rag," snapped Link. "It's a _tunic_."

"I said," repeated Zelda, her voice rising, "you're kind of cute even if you're dressed in _patchwork_…"

"Oh, I see," said Link testily, "you've just realised that that little pink dress of yours has been out of fashion for centuries, and you're trying to satisfy your inflated ego by insulting me."

"Oh, _I_ have an inflated ego?" said Zelda. "Oh, look at me, I'm Link; I can solve all the world's injustices by going into a cave and killing all the bunnies inside!"

"I don't say that…" said Link angrily.

"Hey, I'm not done yet," said Zelda, "and you had better listen to me. I am a _princess_, and when…"

"Oh, _la-dee-da_," snarled Link.

"…when a _princess_ tells you that you're ravishingly handsome and that she's _madly in love with you_, YOU **LISTEN**!"

"Oh, like anybody would listen to an ugly old crackpot like you!" shouted Link. "What do you ever do? Sit around, waiting until Ganondorf kidnaps you again?"

"Oh, so _this_ is what it's all about," snapped Zelda. "You hate me because you have to save me all the time, and now you want me to find another hero?"

"Are you _crazy_?" said Link. "You have my full respect, and I love you too, but you're so _frustratingly stupid_ and _old-fashioned_ that it's no _wonder_ that you're so _boring_!"

"There's absolutely no way I'm paying any attention to someone as _common_ as you," Zelda grimaced, "not until you learn how to behave in society like a normal person…"

"So that's it," said Link, "you think I'm below you. You're _angry_ that you're being rescued by someone who hurts your _dignity_…"

"Idiot," shouted Zelda, "I've been in love with you for so long, I'm so glad you love me too, and yes, you are _undignified_, the Goddesses only help you because you wave that Master Sword around like it _belongs_ to you…"

"Are you saying I don't deserve the power?" cried Link.

"I'm saying that you wave around the Master Sword to make up for your inability to hold a _decent conversation_ with _anybody_!" Zelda said nastily.

"That's so low of you," said Link, "What kind of princess are you?"

"I shall have you executed for being so _improper_," said Zelda. "Then you'll finally learn a lesson."

"You pompous buffoon," said Link. "You think that everybody will just _bend to your _whim because you're a _princess,_ but you're wrong, Zelda – _nobody cares _about you. You're _worthless. _Let's kiss."

* * *

"What's going on?" said Samus, stepping into the hallway where people were running back and forth, panicking.

"_We're all going to die_!" cried Fox in panic, running into a wall.

"Hahaha, look where you're going, Fox!" laughed Peach, tripping over Falco.

"Ow! Pain…" moaned Falco.

"Oh, grow up, you cry baby," said Samus. "Fox, why are we all going to die?"

"It's _Luigi_!" yelled Fox in fear. "He's gone _mad_; he wants us _dead_!"

"Really?" said Samus.

"_Really!_" said Fox.

"Really, really?" said Samus.

"_Really, really!_" said Fox.

Fox got up and ran down another corridor and out of sight.

"That's kind of worrying," said Samus, starting to walk at a leisurely pace.

"You're talking to yourself," said Falco, joining her.

"Am I?" said Samus. "Huh. I guess I must be slightly insane. All that time spent alone, in the middle of nowhere, committing genocide."

* * *

_Flashback – in the depths of Norfair, a fiery region above a planet's core…_

"Eat missiles!" said Samus.

Samus shot a missile at the gigantic, winged ki-hunter. It exploded, leaving a shiny purple orb in its wake.

"Ooh," said Samus. "What a shiny little purple orb. By walking into it, I can repair my armour."

Samus walked into it.

"I feel very refreshed and rejuvenated," said Samus.

Samus hopped over a river of magma and reached a door.

"Ooh," said Samus. "A door. I could open it by pressing that button there."

She stood there.

"Or," said Samus, "I could waste some of my precious missiles to blow it up!"

Samus shot the door with a missile. It exploded in a shower of sparks.

"Yay! Fireworks!" said Samus in glee.

* * *

_Present day…_

"I dunno," said Falco. "You seem pretty sane to me."

"He thinks I am _not psychotic_," whispered Samus to herself.

"It's probably just a nervous habit," concluded Falco.

"Yes," said Samus, "nervous habit. I am sane."

* * *

"I am going to find-a you, Mario!" shouted Luigi.

Mario was a room ahead of him, running as fast as his little plumber legs would take him. Luigi, fuelled by _pure hatred_, was catching up fast.

"Why-a are you doing this, Luigi?" cried Mario as he ran.

"I have had enough of you, brother!" replied Luigi nastily. "You have always lorded yourself as the best-a person ever, but that is wrong! I am _better_ than-a you!"

"Luigi! It's-a me, Mario! You wouldn't want to hurt your brother!" cried Mario.

"Yes I would," sneered Luigi.

"Oh," said Mario.

Luigi picked up a conveniently-placed barrel of bananas and threw it at Mario.

"Oh-a no! Bananas!" said Mario, as the huge barrel closed in on him.

"NOOOO!" cried Donkey Kong, diving in the way – _in slow motion_.

"Oh, my!" said Mario. "DK, you are-a diving in _slow motion_!"

"I KNNOOOWWW…" yelled DK.

The barrel of bananas barrelled its way into Donkey Kong's barrel of a chest, and he barrelled over. Donkey Kong and the barrelling barrel barrelled across the floor, coming to a stop with a _thud_ right in front of Mario.

"Donkey Kong!" exclaimed Mario. "You have dived in-a the way to save me!"

"Yes," said DK, "because I have realised something, Mario… there's nothing more important in this world than true friends. I was so busy hoarding wealth and jewels that I forgot to just sit down and look at the flowers. Mario… I'm so sorry about what I said earlier."

DK looked at Mario pleadingly.

"Wait…" said Mario. "You didn't say anything to me earlier. And what wealth and jewels? I thought we had always been on good terms!"

"Oh," said Donkey Kong. "Huh. I must have gotten confused." And he lumbered out of the room on that note.

"How-a very strange," commented Mario. "Now what was I doing…?"

"I KEEL YOU!" cried Luigi.

"Ah, right," said Mario.

Luigi picked up a semi-automatic shoulder-mounted paintball gun.

"_NEEP_!" cried Mario incoherently, running out of the room. Luigi tailed behind him closely.

* * *

"_I'm coming for you…_" hissed Mewtwo with his psychic powers, gliding through the hallways after the fleeing shadows of the other Pokemon.

He flew around a corner and found the three tiny pests in plain sight. He produced a **gigantic ball of darkest energy that consumed all** and flung it at Pikachu, who ducked.

"Please don't kill us!" pleaded Pikachu, still fleeing.

"I'm too cute to die!" yelped Pichu.

"I lub nooj!" begged Jigglypuff.

"_Mewtwo has no mercy for mere mortals!_" raged Mewtwo.

"Hey, you're mortal too," Pikachu pointed out.

"_Shut your mouth, you inferior rodent!_" raged Mewtwo.

The smaller Pokemon ran into the kitchen. Pichu reached for the fruit bowl, grabbed a banana, and threw it at Mewtwo as he ran towards them.

"_Ha!_" said Mewtwo. "_It's not slippery on the outside!_"

Jigglypuff grabbed a banana, sculled it down, and then threw the peel at Mewtwo.

"_Ha!_" said Mewtwo, even closer now. "_I glide above the floor! I cannot slip!_"

Pikachu threw an apple pie fresh from the oven at Mewtwo.

"_Augh!_" cried Mewtwo. "_The pie! It burns!_"

The three smaller Pokemon hightailed it out of there.

After a few minutes of running, they were hiding under the bed in some random Smasher's bedroom, taking a few quick breaths.

"That was some quick thinking," said Jigglypuff.

"Thanks," said Pikachu.

Jigglypuff giggled. "You know, Pikachu, you're kind of cute when you're causing needless suffering."

"Really?" said Pikachu. His face lit up for half a second, before he quickly forced it back into the annoyed scowl he'd been giving Jigglypuff for the past hour.

"Yep," said Jigglypuff. "You're cute when you're cute."

"Oh," said Pikachu, smiling a little inward smile.

Predictably, Mewtwo chose that moment to barge into the room, screaming obscene messages of hate, and the chase was on again.

* * *

"There is something indescribably cool about being pressed together underneath your bed, fearing for our lives," whispered Roy. Metres away, Mario and Luigi wrestled to the death.

"I know how you feel," whispered Marth. For a moment, their eyes locked, and Marth found himself wondering how he had never before noticed the pool of incandescent luminescent sapphire that was Roy's eyes.

Luigi grabbed Mario and threw him out of a window, and dived after him.

"Marth, I've always loved…" whispered Roy.

Link and Zelda walked into the room, holding hands.

"…kill…" whispered Roy.

"Yeah, let's 'take care' of Link, so that I… rather, we… have Zelda to myself… ourselves," nodded Marth in agreement.

Marth and Roy burst out from under the bed, swords raised.

"Stop there, foul knave!" cried Marth. "Thou shalt not go further with mine maiden!"

"Yeah, like he said!" said Roy.

"Wherefore art thou acting in so uncouth a way?" said Link.

"Hey," said Marth, "made-up Shakespeare quotes are exclusively _my_ domain. Mine, you hear me?"

Zelda, looking confused, said, "What's going on?"

"Not much, really," said Roy. "We're just trying to win your hand."

"But I want to hold hands with _Link_, not you," protested Zelda.

"Come on, Zelda, it's just hand-holding," said Marth.

"I'd rather die before I hold your hand," Zelda spat.

"Then _die you shall_!" cried Marth, charging at Zelda.

"Woah, don't kill Zelda, you idiot!" said Roy.

"Look, I'm going," said Zelda. "You three sort this out."

"'kay," said Marth.

Zelda left.

"'kay," said Marth.

* * *

"Let-a us finish this!" cried Luigi, somersaulting backwards onto the roof of the Smash Mansion.

"Have it your way!" shouted Mario, hopping onto the roof after him.

"I should-a warn you, brother," said Luigi, "I was always better…"

"No, you weren't," said Mario.

"Shut up!" cried Luigi, throwing a barrage of fireballs at Mario.

Mario took one step to the left and they all sailed past him. (They then flew off the edge of the building and hit Kirby in the face as he snacked upon Master Hand's flower garden, though that's somewhat irrelevant.)

"Ha! You missed, brother! Now it's-a _my turn_!" cried Mario.

Luigi threw another fireball at Mario, knocking him to the ground.

"Hey! You cheated! It was my turn!" said Mario angrily.

Luigi picked up a large leaf blower which had just been conveniently lying on the roof.

"What are you doing?" gasped Mario.

Luigi turned it on, and with a powerful gust, swept Mario's little red cap off his head.

"What? No! NOO! NUUEEZ…!" cried Mario as his cap fell away from him and off the roof in _excruciatingly… slow… motion…_

"You see?" said Luigi. "You have lost, Mario. I am superior!"

With a phenomenal burst of adrenaline, Mario jumped up, grabbed Luigi's cap from his head and flung it off the roof as well.

"You… how?" gasped Luigi.

"_Now_, we are-a even," whispered Mario.

Luigi gave a fierce cry of anger and the two brothers ran into each other, pummelling each other with punches and slaps and, well, yeah, punches and slaps.

Master Hand floated up into view. "Mario, Luigi… good afternoon," he said.

Mario and Luigi stopped fighting.

"Are you here to take Mario's side?" said Luigi angrily.

"Yes," said Master Hand. "You see, Luigi, I have a tournament to run, famous Smashers to entertain, and sponsorship deals to secure. I can't let a maniac like you run around killing all my cash cows for something as petty as _revenge_ or _justice_."

"Well, are you going to fight me or something, then?" demanded Luigi, raising his fists.

"No! Of course not," laughed Master Hand. He turned to the side. "Crazy!"

"_Yee-es_…?" said Crazy Hand, floating up in view of the Mario Brothers.

"Get Luigi out of the way for now."

Crazy Hand grabbed Luigi tightly by the left arm. "Yay! May I use him as a dress-up doll, dearest brother? PLEASE?"

Luigi's hand snapped under Crazy Hand's tight grip.

"Fine," said Master Hand. "Just don't let him escape like you did with Toad."

"Hee saed he vanted a bathroom break!" whined Crazy Hand. "HOUW culd I hav KNOWN?"

"Just go," said Master Hand. "See if you can… er… 'rehabilitate' him while you're at it."

"Okay," said Crazy Hand gleefully, whisking Luigi out of sight.

Mario looked at Master Hand, stunned.

"Hey," said Master Hand. "Just looking after the star of the show."

"I'm the star?" said Mario.

"Well, of course," said Master Hand, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Ignoring Marth, Roy, Link, Samus, Captain Falcon, Fox and Falco, the Wireframe fighters… you're the most famous Smasher out there."

"Wow…" said Mario, "I hadn't really thought about it that way."

"Now," said Master Hand, "I have to go. I have more money to make."

He floated off.

"Wow," said Mario, staring after him, "I feel a little bit-a better now."

He stared off into the distance.

"How do I get down from this roof?" he wondered.

* * *

To make a long story short:

Marth leapt up, swords raised. Link parried with his own sword then thrust forward, producing a gigantic, sizzling bomb from his own tunic. The two fighters leapt up in the air, their swords simultaneously clashing and sending them flying backwards, even as Roy cracked open a Cokepsi can.

…and they battled like that for a while, then maybe one of them got bored or something, and distracted as he was by the boredom, he got poked in the leg by the other's sword, and Roy didn't do anything, and the battle was over.

"Who won?" said Marth.

"Good question," said Link.

"Well, I'm Marth's friend, so I say Marth won," said Roy.

"Oh," said Link, crestfallen.

Zelda came back in.

"Okay, who won?" said Zelda.

"I did," said Marth.

"I don't care," said Zelda, "I'm dating DK now."

"_What!?_" gasped Marth, Link and Roy simultaneously.

"Haha, just kidding," said Zelda.

She grabbed Link and they ran out of the room before Marth or Roy could react.

"Did she just…" said Roy.

"You mean we fought to the death for _nothing_?" said Marth angrily.

"I wouldn't call that fighting to the death," said Roy.

"Oh, and why's that, smartypants?" demanded Marth.

"…nobody's dead," said Roy.

"Huh," said Marth.

They stood in silence for about half a minute.

"Anyway," said Marth, standing up, "let's update this website of ours. A lot of interesting stuff has just happened."

"Like Luigi trying to kill Mario?" said Roy.

"No, don't be stupid," said Marth. "They're just plumbers. But _Zelda and Link are kind of good friends_! Now _that's_ real journalism. Roy! Type for me…"


	5. Mewtwo, Victorious

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

* * *

"You know, after everything that's happened," said Peach, standing in the light of her bedroom window, "I want to apologise."

"Uh… Peach…" said DK.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you so badly," said Peach.

"Peach? Over here!" said DK.

"I'll never leave you again," said Peach.

"Peach?" said DK, almost shouting.

"Huh?" said Peach, turning around. "Oh, hi, Donkey Kong… what a surprise to see you here…"

"Were you talking to your _pot plants_?" said DK.

"No… what gave you that impression?" said Peach, turning around and spreading her arms out to block the pot plants from view.

"What… but…?" said DK. He shook his head firmly, and after a few seconds finally remembered what he had been going to say.

"Peach," said DK, "We barely got a chance to start eating just then, before Luigi came in and did his homicidal mania… thing."

"Yes," said Peach, straightening her crown.

"Well," continued DK, "I was… well… maybe we should go downstairs and keep on… you know… _eating_…"

"Yes, that's a good idea," said Peach unnecessarily loudly.

"I meant… um… why don't we go down… together?" said DK.

"Together?" gasped Peach.

"Yes," said DK, "together."

"Well…" said Peach, giggling slightly, "actually… that'd be kind of nice…"

"Oh, gee, thanks," said DK.

"Just let me put my dress on," said Peach.

"You _are_ wearing a dress," said DK.

"Well… uh… perhaps," admitted Peach. She bounced up to DK and took him by the hand. "Let's go!" she exclaimed excitedly.

They exchanged smiling glances.

_Wow, she's wonderful_, thought DK to himself contentedly.

_He looks just like an ape_, thought Peach to herself with fascination.

"So," said DK, opening the door for Peach, "why were you talking to your pot plants?"

Peach's expression turned to ice. She grabbed the door and slammed it into Donkey Kong's knee. With a yelp of pain, he fell backwards, crashing onto the floor, which was fortunately covered with one of Master Hand's Persian rugs.

Peach grabbed a chair and threw it at DK's face, causing him to curl up in agony.

"Nobody… is to know… about my secret plant-growing method…" she hissed. "Do you understand?"

"But… but…" said DK.

"_Do you understand?_" repeated Peach.

"But… but…" said DK.

Peach pulled a golf club out from her silky pink suitcase and hit DK in the head with it.

"Ow," said DK.

Peach hit him in the head again, even harder.

"Ow!" yelped DK.

"Huh…" said Peach.

She handed him the golf club.

"Do it yourself," she ordered.

"But…" said DK.

"_Do it_!" said Peach.

"Okay," said DK, knocking himself out.

* * *

"…and, according to an anonymous source, Samus is not only a woman – she's a blonde." Roy scanned down the rest of the page, reading aloud what he had typed. "Well, that's all I can think of! This should be more than enough to make us the most popular thing on the internet."

"I can't agree more," agreed Marth, nodding in agreement, not at all aggrieved. "In fact, according to my calculations…" – he held up a calculator to prove his reputability – "we should get about a billion dollars from the advertisements in the first two hours alone."

"Wow!" said Roy, awestruck at the thought of having such wealth. "That's amazing! I can't believe that we've never stumbled upon this 'internet' before!"

"Yep," said Marth.

Roy pressed a few buttons on the keyboard and waved the mouse around with a semblance of professionalism, and, by some combination of skill and dumb luck, uploaded the report he had just typed up onto the internet. With a great sigh, he leaned back in his chair.

"Now… we wait," he declared.

"Yep," said Marth. "Only a matter of time now."

* * *

_Two hours later…_

"Yep," said Marth for the hundred-and-fourth time, "just a matter of time."

"I'm hungry," said Roy.

"Me too. Go down and get me a sandwich," said Marth.

"Why me?"

"I have blue hair. I'm better than you," said Marth, as if that made any sense.

"Point," said Roy, standing up and shaking off the dust that had settled on him.

* * *

"Can't… keep… running any longer," panted Pikachu, his legs collapsing mid-stride as they barged their way through the great entrance room of the Smash Mansion.

"Pansy," taunted Jigglypuff, as she collapsed onto the ground beside him. Pichu, who they had been collectively dragging along, slid forward a few tail-lengths more on his considerable momentum, then, too, ground to a halt.

The three of them slumped there on the floor momentarily, gasping for breath.

"_Aha!_" cried Mewtwo, gliding into the room. His arms were crossed; his eyes, filled with hatred. "_Finally, I have caught you._"

"Have not," hissed Pikachu defiantly.

"Yeah," gasped Jigglypuff, "have not."

"_Have too_," responded Mewtwo.

"Not!" Jigglypuff started crawling for the door.

With his psychic powers, Mewtwo made a lazy gesture, and a strange purple energy enveloped the door, cutting off the smaller Pokemon from their escape.

"Well…" said Pikachu, "time for Plan B."

He threw Pichu at Mewtwo.

"_Ow_!" cried Mewtwo, flinching.

Using the distraction to his advantage, Pikachu stood, and, with some newfound vibrant energy, bounded towards the door.

"_It _is _still blocked_," Mewtwo pointed out.

"Good point," said Pikachu, digging his paws into the ground to avoid skidding into the energy barrier.

Resigned, the three Pokemon turned to face Mewtwo.

"_So… it comes to this_," said Mewtwo. "_All day I have chased you inferior creature without cease to exact my revenge. And now – the end is in sight, for all three of you!_"

No response.

"…_what? No screaming?_" said Mewtwo.

"I was gonna wait for you to finish your monologue," said Pikachu.

"_Oh,_" said Mewtwo, "_how very considerate of you. But I'm done already._"

"That's it?" said Pichu.

"_Yes,_" said Mewtwo.

"NOO!" screamed the three Pokemon.

"_Time to die!_" cried Mewtwo, preparing a giant, glowing ball of dark energy. With a great cry, he unleashed it, and it powered across the room straight into Pichu, sending him flying into the ceiling. His left arm (foreleg?) having been snapped by the impact, he slumped to the ground, unconscious.

"You sick-" began Pikachu, charging Mewtwo, electricity crackling around his body.

"_You would dare challenge me?_" taunted Mewtwo nonsensically. He made a motion with his arms again, and with a sickening _crunch_, Pikachu's spine caved in. Pained, and gasping for breath, he collapsed as well.

"Help…" Pikachu moaned, and then he, too, was unconscious.

"_And YOU!_" Mewtwo rounded on Jigglypuff, who was hiding under a lampshade. Unsuccessfully.

"Yes?" said Jigglypuff, putting on an innocent face.

"_You started this all!_" bellowed Mewtwo, readying one final ball of energy. "_You are the cause of all my pain! You and your acidified balloons and your comically explosive weapons! But – no more! It's over, Jigglypuff, over! You see the consequences of your actions?_" With his free hand, he motioned at the still forms of her companions. "_This is merely justice! This is what you have had coming to you all day!_"

The ball of energy reached critical mass (see below), and Mewtwo's eyes locked with Jigglypuff, a deadly glare in them.

"Sorry," said Jigglypuff.

"_Pardon?_" raged Mewtwo.

"Sorry," repeated Jigglypuff.

"_Oh,_" said Mewtwo, "_you're sorry._"

"Yes," said Jigglypuff, nodding with vigour and sincerity.

"_Well, in that case…_" Mewtwo looked down. "_I guess I'm sorry as well. I shouldn't have blown up like that._"

"It's okay," said Jigglypuff, "we all make our own silly mistakes."

"_But_," said Mewtwo, choking slightly, "_can you really blame me? All my life, ostracised for being homicidal and unstable and really powerful… it's too much for a little kitty to bear. Can't you see that?_"

"Oh, yeah," said Jigglypuff. "Well, I forgive you."

"_Oh, thanks_," said Mewtwo. "_I've learnt an important lesson today._"

"I haven't," added Jigglypuff.

"_Yes, you haven't,_" Mewtwo agreed.

Jigglypuff hopped onto Mewtwo's shoulder and patted him on the head.

"_Gee, thanks… how nice of you,_" said Mewtwo.

"No problem," said Jigglypuff. "Well, I'd better go now. I didn't really get anything to eat earlier."

"_Fair enough,_" said Mewtwo. "_Well… see you around, I guess._"

And with a wave, he teleported out of sight.

"Well," said Jigglypuff, "isn't that funny? All of this violence, all of this fighting… it can call be resolved. I guess peaceful negotiation has its benefits, after all."

Jigglypuff waddled out of the room, ignoring the nagging feeling that she'd forgotten something important. _Where are Pikachu and Pichu?_, she wondered.

* * *

Author's note: Earlier, I referred to a ball of energy as having 'critical mass'. This is actually something of a creative, flowery description, and doesn't quite correspond to reality, because energy doesn't have mass, at least not in the literal sense – it has mass-distance-squared-per-second-second. Or something like that.

I hope that clears it up.

* * *

Smirking, Falco led Samus by the hand out to a balcony overlooking the front garden and its massive, pointless water fountain.

"This could be the start of a wonderful, happy, Victorian-novel relationship," said Samus in an unnaturally high-pitched, sweet voice.

"Was that sarcasm?" said Falco.

"Was that sharcasm?" mimicked Samus, except with a slight lisp.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Falco.

"I'll take that as a yesh," copied Samus.

"Stop it!" said Falco.

"Shtop it!" said Samus.

Falco tried to hit Samus in the face. His hand crumpled as it impacted with her very-solid helmet, and he heard – and felt – a few bones cracking.

"Ow!" he yelped.

"Sucker," snickered Samus.

"You're almost as bad as Fox… well… no, you aren't," said Falco.

"Hey," said Samus, "why are you so sour with Fox? Isn't he supposed to be your friend or something?"

"Ishn't he shupposed to be yaw best fwiend aw somethink?" mimicked Falco.

Samus hit Falco in the face. A tooth fell out.

"Birds have teeth?" said Samus.

"The reason I don't like Fox…" continued Falco as if nothing had happened, "…is something of a long story. He's a bit… well… a few kilolitres short of a full fuel tank, you get me?"

"Sure, sure," said Samus.

* * *

_Flashback – in the lower atmosphere of planet Venom, Lylat system…_

Four Arwings flew gracefully through the skies of Venom.

"Well," said Fox, "here we are. For revenge… upon my father's death."

"And saving the solar system," piped up Slippy, the toad.

"Yes," said Fox, "that too. Now, we must be very cautious down here. The evil Andross surely has thousands of foul creatures still flying for him."

"And ships," added Slippy.

"Yes," said Fox, "and ships."

"Hey," said Slippy, "do you think I should break off and form my own team, and it can be called 'Star Slippy'?"

A burst of laser cannon fire erupted from Falco's ship, ripping the wings of Slippy's ship to shreds.

"Augh! Slippy's hit!" cried Slippy, as his ship plummeted to the ground. "They must be coming from _behind_!"

Silence over the speakers.

"Um, whoops, I slipped," said Falco.

"Well, be careful," said Fox. "I wouldn't want you to hit me."

"No, _you_ wouldn't," said Falco.

They flew in silence once again.

Suddenly, another group of ships emerged from the distance.

"Aha!" cried a familiar voice over the radio. "Can't let you do that, Fox."

"Do what?" said Fox, as a volley of laser fire came flying into their midst.

"It is I, Star Wolf!"

"Star…?" said Fox.

"Your… arch-nemesis?" said the voice.

"Doesn't compute," said Fox apologetically.

"Um… 'time to die, Fox'? 'You're good, but I'm better, Fox'?"

"Oh, right! _You_!" said Fox. "Quick! Battle formations! We can take them down! I'll go from behind, and the rest of you-"

Falco fired a thermonuclear bomb at the approaching ships. They were vaporised.

"Well… that was easy," said Fox. "Good thing I reacted so quickly."

"What!?" said Falco. "_I_ just killed them."

"_Su-ure_," said Fox. "I think you're just being jealous."

"But…" spluttered Falco.

"Okay," said Fox. "I'm going in! Alone!"

"Good luck!" cried the other team member, Peppy the hare, as Fox flew straight down a tunnel.

Falco and Peppy circled around.

"He's going to die in there," muttered Peppy anxiously.

"He's going to die in there," prayed Falco.

* * *

_Present day…_

"That's not the worst of it, but that's the sort of thing he just does," said Falco, banging his fist against the railing.

"That sounds pretty tough," said Samus.

"Yes, it is," said Falco.

A moment of silence, punctuated by a light breeze.

"By the way, I love you," said Samus.

"What?" said Falco, his head snapping around.

Samus hit him in the face again. "I can't believe that worked!" she said gleefully.

"What kind of sadistic freak are you?" said Falco.

"Pineapple," said Samus.

"What?"

Another punch went flying. "Sucker!"

"I'm starting to regret locking us out here and swallowing the key," said Falco.


	6. Shortberry Strawcake

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

"So…" said Link shyly, scratching his back quietly.

"Hehe… so…" said Zelda with equal awkwardness, giggling slightly.

"Do you like… swords… and things?" said Link.

"I guess… kind of…" said Zelda, "maybe… no?"

"Cool…" said Link, blushing slightly at hearing a vaguely-affirmative response. "That's… great…"

"Can we kiss again or something?" said Zelda hopefully.

"Well, I guess…" said Link.

They were interrupted by Jigglypuff carefully barging into the dining room. "Iggly ig jig!" she yelled. "Pigguff iggle jiggle piggly ig jig puffiggly jiff!"

"What?" said Link.

"I'm sorry… we don't speak Pokemon," said Zelda. "Could you write it down or something?"

Jigglypuff frowned with concentration for a moment, and then shook her head brightly. She began to run around the room making a buzzing sound.

"What? Why are you buzzing?" said Link.

"Like charades?" guessed Zelda (who has the Triforce of Wisdom which means that she does incredibly wise things all the time, like taking off her Sheikah disguise right next to Ganondorf's house).

Jigglypuff nodded. She continued to buzz.

"A bumble-bee?" guessed Link.

Jigglypuff shook her head violently. "Iggle!" she said. She continued to buzz.

"A vacuum cleaner?" suggested Zelda.

Jigglypuff sighed and ran out of the room. She returned five seconds later with a taser.

"A taser?" guessed Link.

Jigglypuff zapped Link with the taser, sending him flying backwards against a wall, snapping a collarbone.

"Argh! My back!" cried Link in pain.

"Oh, I get it," said Zelda. "Pikachu!"

Jigglypuff nodded happily.

"Okay, what about Pikachu?" said Zelda.

"Ow…" moaned Link again. "Why did you have to zap me?"

Jigglypuff bounced up and down, shouting loudly in a high-pitched voice.

"Stop it!" cried Link, covering his ears. "You're worse than Peach! You're almost as bad as… as _her_…"

* * *

_As the sun rose on Hyrule Field, Link slowed down, knowing he was safe. He reached into a pocket of his tunic, pulled out a bottle of red potion, and gulped it down. Like magic, minor battle scars all across his body closed up on themselves._

"_That's a lot better," he said contentedly._

"_HEY, LISTEN!" screamed Navi, his fairy companion, her wings buzzing so loudly it was maddening, with her tiny little hands cupped, at the top of her voice, using all the lung power she could manage for a fairy, with a megaphone, and surround sound speakers._

_Link's right eardrum burst._

"_AAAAUUUGGGH!" he screamed hoarsely._

"_You weren't listening," sulked Navi._

"_I… okay, _what_?" he said angrily._

"_What's that cloud over Death Mountain?" Navi said._

"_You asked me that before!" said Link. "And I told you, I'm going there to have a look! Right away!"_

"_Okay," said Navi._

…

"_Well," said Link, "here we are in the middle of an ancient Goron fire temple." There was a ladder in front of him, and he began to walk towards it._

"_Hey!" said Navi. "Why don't you try climbing that ladder?"_

"_I was _about _to," said Link._

_He climbed the ladder, and glanced around. To his left was a door with a padlock on it. To his right, a key._

"_Hey!" said Navi. "That door's locked! You need a key!"_

"_Yes," said Link tiredly._

"_Look around for a key!" said Navi helpfully._

_Link knelt down and picked up the key on the ground._

"_Hey, you got a key! I wonder what you can do with it?" said Navi._

"_Duh…" said Link. He walked up to the padlock and unlocked the door. The key suddenly melted._

_On the other side of the door, they found a chamber full of rolling boulders._

"_Hey!" said Navi. "Look at all those giant boulders! They could probably squash you, so be careful!"_

_Link ignored her, dodged his way around the boulders, and reached a wall with a giant gem in the middle of it. An arrow was painted on the wall, labelled 'SHOOT THE GEM'._

"_Hey!" said Navi. "Why don't you…"_

_Link snapped. He pulled out his sword and started slashing in Navi's general direction, missing her with every swipe. She flew away, and Link gave chase, leaping over boulders, throwing imprisoned Gorons at her, setting arrows on fire and trying to burn her to death, attempting to hookshot her head off, performing flying ninja suplex kicks, grabbing a giant hammer lying on the ground and pounding randomly in her direction, jumping across a giant pit of lava whilst trying to throw Navi into it, killing a dragon and throwing its corpse at her, and then pelting her with all forms of bombs. But after two hours of frenzied manic attacking, he was tired, and he slowed to a crawl, staggering over to a wall and leaning on it to catch his breath._

"_I give up…" he panted. "You just… won't die…"_

"_Hey," said Navi. "Why don't you try using that hammer on the button over-"_

_Link slit his own throat._

* * *

"…and yet I lived to tell the tale," finished Link.

Zelda wasn't listening, instead still trying to piece together Jigglypuff's not-so-amusing charades.

"Pikachu… and… Pichu… are… in… the… main… hall… what?"

Jigglypuff rolled onto her back.

"Dead?" said Zelda.

Jigglypuff nodded.

"That's not good," said Zelda.

"Huh," said Link.

The news sunk in.

"OH NO THEIR DED!" cried Link, running out of the room, sword in hand.

"Always the hero," muttered Zelda with angst.

* * *

"I think we've won," commented Ness, sitting on the couch between Nana and Kirby. Popo was seated on the floor, and Young Link was still unconscious in his room after Nana's minor outburst.

Nana was gripping the controller tightly as she weaved through a hairpin course on _F-Zero VX (Very Xtreme)_. Kirby was drooling over a small piece of strawberry shortcake.

"How's that?" said Popo, who was only half-listening as he raced against his sister.

"Well," Ness said, "we've convinced Master Hand, who controls all the money around here, that a new videogame system like the Vee would be a great investment, right? That's basically all there is to it."

"Cake…" Kirby whispered under his breath.

"Cool," said Popo, trying really hard not to blink as his onscreen car flew into the air at three billion kmph. "So does that mean we can get him to pay for a brand-new Vee?"

"I think so," said Ness. "We have Mario and Samus and a couple of others on board, too. There's no way it can go wrong."

"You know," said Nana, "in comedies, it's always when someone say 'it can't go wrong' that something really, really bad happens. You know what I mean?"

"Yes, but this isn't some cheap B-movie," said Ness, "this is life. And we're going to get a Vee, and it's going to be good."

A tiny little mouse scampered into the room, sneaking furtive glances at its occupants.

"What a stupid name for a system, anyway," said Nana, wincing as Popo overtook her. "I mean, _Vee_? And now 'everyone can play'? What kind of marketing department thinks of crazy stuff like that? There's no way anyone's going to buy that stuff!"

Ness shrugged. "Hey, as long as there are games to play…"

Kirby shifted uncomfortably in the seat, clutching his shortcake ever-so-slightly tighter as he eyed the mouse on the ground.

"Well," said Popo, "whatever you say. But there'd better be some good racing games… hmm, last lap."

"Since when did you care what kind of games we play?" said Ness. "Don't you live in a mountain village somewhere, devoid of all technology, and stuff like that…?"

The mouse caught Kirby's gaze and glared back, squeaking slightly. Kirby shuffled backwards in his seat.

"Ignore Popo," said Nana. "He's just being a stupidhead as usual."

"Stupidhead isn't a word," said Popo, staring intensely at the screen.

"Is too," said Nana.

"Is not," said Popo.

"Is – Popo, your hair's on fire," said Nana.

"Thanks," said Popo sarcastically, "as if I care what you think about my hairstyle."

Step by step, the mouse began to walk towards the couch, a menacing glare on its face. Kirby returned the stare coolly.

"No, I mean your hair is literally on fire," Nana said.

"Yeah, right," laughed Popo.

"I'm not kidding!" said Nana, exasperated. "Your _hair's on fire_!"

"What!?" yelped Popo, dropping the controller and stupidly reaching for the top of his head.

About half a second passed before Popo noticed that his hair wasn't any hotter than normal… which meant that his hair wasn't on fire.

"My hair is _not_ on fire," he said blankly.

"I guess not," said Nana breezily.

"You lied!" said Popo.

"I guess so," said Nana. "Hey!" She motioned to the screen. "Looks like you crashed at the last minute. And you were winning, too. Ah, well, if you want a rematch some other day…"

"You _cheated_!" protested Popo.

"Not true," said Nana, not bothering to hide her smile. "From this angle, your hair really did look like it was burning."

"That doesn't count!" Popo said angrily. "Right, Ness?"

"No comment," said Ness hurriedly, sinking into the seat.

"HA!" exclaimed Kirby loudly, pulling out a giant wooden mallet from behind his back and squashing the tiny mouse with it. "How do you like that, you little _squeak_? Huh? Huh?"

Nana, Popo and Ness all looked at Kirby, confused.

"Um…" said Kirby, "nothing to worry about. I just… I'll see how little-Link is doing."

Clutching the strawberry shortcake protectively, he scampered out of the room.

"Is that a _mouse_?" said Nana, looking squeamishly at the flattened remains.

"Yes," said Ness. "It is a mouse."

"It is a mouse," echoed Nana.

"It is a mouse," affirmed Popo.

"A mouse it is," Ness nodded.

"A mouse – is it?" said Popo dramatically.

"Is-a it mouse?" said Mario, not least but last.

"Mouse, it-a is," said Nana ungrammatically.

"Oh, SHUT UP, you lot!" Falcon walked past.

* * *

"Well," said Master Hand, "you've really stepped out of line, Luigi."

Luigi muttered numerous curse words, struggling against the rope which Master Hand and a few Smashers had used to tie him down with. They were inside a dank, subterranean basement room, lit with a strong fluorescent light.

Master Hand hovered menacingly over him now, looking very grave (at least, for a hand). "I mean, I can understand that you dislike living in the shadow of your brother, but going insane and attacking all of my cash cows? That's just unacceptable."

"Cash cows?" said Luigi.

"I said Smashers," said Master Hand. "I mumble sometimes, and it makes my words sound a bit funny."

"Ah," said Luigi.

"Anyway," said Master Hand, "you only really have two options here: you give an apology, or you undergo… rehabilitation."

Luigi spat at Master Hand. "I will never apologise to the likes of you!" he cried.

"Seriously," said Master Hand, "you should really consider saying sorry. It will help me get those sponsorship deals I need so badly, and who knows? You might even get a book deal!"

(**SPONSORED MESSAGE**: Master Hand's book deals are provided by the kind folks at… huh… well… there isn't any punch line that works… now regretting including this paragraph…)

"I – _don't_ – want – a book deal!" cried Luigi, his face going red… though that might have been related to all the blood that had splashed on his face during his happy-fun murderous rampage.

"Well," said Master Hand, "you leave me with no choice, Luigi. Rehabilitation it is."

An ominous rumbling noise shook the floor slightly, causing a glass of water to fall and shatter. The glass of water had been sitting there for a while; in fact, it hadn't been touched since Nana's infamous "water is the spawn of evil" campaign two weeks previously.

"There's no way of putting this nicely," said Master Hand gravely, "but you've left me with little choice."

"What – what-a is going on?" said Luigi, a hint of panic in his voice. He began squirming at his bonds with renewed vigour.

The rumbling noise grew louder, and with a crash!, an even larger glass of water, about the size of Luigi's head, fell to the ground, spilling water everywhere.

"Well," said Master Hand, "do you remember meeting my brother, Crazy Hand?"

"Yes…" said Luigi, eyes widening in an expression of mute horror. Well, he was talking, so it wasn't exactly _mute_ horror. But it should have been.

"Well," said Master Hand, clearly relishing the reaction he had procured, "hopefully he'll be able to… reform you."

"Nooo!" screamed Luigi.

"Oh, by the way, when I said 'reform you', I actually meant 'destroy your remaining sanity'," said Master Hand. "In case that wasn't clear."

"Nooo!" screamed Luigi, but with a sort-of 'duh' look on his face.

And with a horrendous crash, Crazy Hand crashed through the wall, spinning around madly.

"HELLOOO, MaSTER HAnD!" he said pleasantly, with a clearly-fake Scottish accent. "IS this LOO-EE-GEE?"

"Hello, Crazy," said Master Hand. "Yes, it is."

"Yipee!" said Crazy Hand very quietly, shaking spasmodically on the spot, like someone with absolutely no control.

"Wait, wait," said Master Hand. "Um… now, you can 'play' with Luigi all you want, but you're not allowed to kill him."

"WHaT is A KEEL?" said Crazy Hand curiously.

"A kill? It's… er…" Master Hand sighed. "Just don't _break_ your new toy. Okay? Remember what happened to the last one?"

"The last one?" managed Luigi, who was no longer hyperventilating as his heart (the metaphorical one) exploded and his pulse skyrocketed.

"Oh, yes," said Master Hand. "Crazy Hand gets bored sometimes, so if I have time and I'm feeling nice, I find him some playmates. The last one… well, let's just say that they still think it was Andross… anyway, have fun. Ciao."

He floated off nonchalantly.

Crazy Hand slowly turned towards Luigi, who whimpered slightly.

"Crazy Hand likes SPAGHETTI," said Crazy Hand matter-of-factly. "Do you?"

Luigi fainted.

* * *

A/N: New game – I say really flattering things about whoever can spot all the random videogame references here and there, in any chapter. And before you say it, this is _not_ a cheap trick to get easy reviews. Not… not. Frankly, I'm surprised you could entertain such thoughts. I mean – me, a review hog? How… scandalously untrue… 


	7. Nothing Happens

**_Winter Days  
_**by tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

* * *

"But how can the Pokemon be dead? Who would want to kill them like that?" asked Zelda as they raced down the hallway.

"I don't know," said Link, kicking a door open and dashing through. "But Jigglypuff seemed really upset about it."

"Maybe Pikachu and Pichu are just unconscious," said Zelda, crossing her fingers in hope.

"Hope you're right," said Link, and in the distance he saw a sofa blocking the hallway. He narrowed his eyes and picked up speed.

"But even if they're unconscious," said Zelda, frowning as she darted around the body of Captain Falcon, "aren't they going to need some sort of medical help?"

"I guess so," heaved Link, the gigantic path-blocking sofa drawing ever-nearer with every step. "That's probably why Jigglypuff came looking for you."

The sofa was almost on them. Through gritted teeth, Zelda replied, "I'm hardly an expert healer…"

…and they reached the sofa, hitting it at full pelt. At the last minute, Zelda leapt up, bounced of the cushions of the sofa and did _four full midair somersaults_, springing up and above the gargantuan couch and landing on the ground in perfect fighting stance.

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," remarked Ness. "Isn't it, Yoshi?"

Zelda had landed on Yoshi, fracturing his left leg.

"Hey, you have a broken leg!" said Ness. "That's pretty funny, huh, Yoshi?"

"Arararararar…" snarled Yoshi hatefully.

Zelda stepped off Yoshi muttering a quick apology and turned around to see the sofa explode into a pile of flaming debris. Chunks of burning cotton flew everywhere, leaving nothing but embers. Through the rubble, Link stepped through, a triumphant grin on his face.

"Couldn't you have just… jumped over it?" said Zelda, shocked.

"Nah, I never learnt how to jump," said Link.

"Oh, ri… _what_?" said Zelda.

"If there's one thing I've learnt through all my adventures," Link explained, "it's that if you ever see anything suspicious…"

"Okay, we're going," said Zelda, pulling Link off by the arm. "I don't want to be around when Master Hand sees we've destroyed one of his million-dollar sofas."

"Yeah, let's get to those dead Pokemon," said Link.

"What about Mario?" wondered Zelda, as they jogged off. "He's a doctor; he'd know what to do."

"I'm sure he's on his way right now," said Link.

…

* * *

_On the roof_

"SOMEBODY HELP!" shouted Mario.

* * *

Donkey Kong woke up with his hands tied behind his back.

"What the…?" he said.

He opened his eyes blearily, glancing both ways to see if there was any hint as to what was going on.

"Hi, DK!" said Peach brightly.

"Peach?" said Donkey Kong. "What am I doing here? Why are my hands tied together behind my back?"

"Well," said Peach, "you learnt my secret flower-growing method. I can't let you tell anybody what it is."

"What… are you _talking_ about?" said DK, drawing a blank.

"Stop talking!" said Peach.

She walked over to the door of her bedroom and pushed a chair under the handle.

"Now," said Peach, "to make sure you never leave!"

She picked up a foam baseball bat.

"Peach…" began DK, "what are you doing?"

Peach swung the bat at DK's head.

_Piff!_, went the bat.

"Ow!" cried DK. "What was that for?"

"I'm _trying_," said Peach, sounding quite harassed, "to kill you."

"Yeah, but why?" said DK.

Peach hit DK with the foam bat.

_Piff!_, went the bat.

"Stop talking!" said Peach angrily. "I'm trying to kill you!"

"But why… I mean, you can't just randomly kill people whenever you feel like it!" Donkey Kong was starting to grow angry. "This is really rude behaviour, you know!"

"Shut up!" said Peach. She slammed the foam bat into his head.

_Piff!_, went the bat.

"Ow!" said DK. "I'm going to tell Master Hand about this!"

"Sure," said Peach darkly. "Rat on me to that annoying hand person. Get me kicked out of the Smash Brothers. But – wait! How can you tell on me… if you're _dead_?"

At this last word she swung the bat at DK.

_Piff!_, went the bat.

Peach stared at the bat, disheartened.

"I need to go find a better bat," said Peach.

"Um…" said DK, thinking quickly. "Maybe if you got a bunch of daffodils? That would be quite lethal."

"I shall do exactly that!" said Peach, and, holding her head high, she walked out.

* * *

"HELP!" shouted Mario again.

No response, seeing as he was alone on the roof. With no way down.

"HELP-A ME!" Mario cried again, even louder.

"Hey!" came a voice from down below. "Mario!"

"_Yes_! I've been-a found!" cried Mario, rushing over to the edge of the roof to look down.

Fox was looking back up, a confused expression on his face. "How did you get up there?"

"Doesn't matter! Help me!" Mario shouted back.

"Um, okay," said Fox. "I'll be right back!"

Fox ambled inside the Smash Mansion.

_Save Mario_, he thought to himself, _save Mario and become a huge hero; save Mario, save Mario, save Mario…_

He ran headfirst into Falco and Samus. They were making out.

Fox's jaw dropped. "What?" he said. "What are you doing, Falco?"

No response from either.

"You can't… that's so stupid! You two have nothing in common!" said Fox angrily. "That's a stupid pairing! You don't deserve happiness, Falco!"

"Wait, what?" said Falco, looking over his shoulder.

"Ignore him," said Samus, pulling him back into her embrace.

"For that matter," said Fox, "how can Samus be kissing you if she's still wearing her helmet?"

"Shut up," said Falco.

The kissing turned more passionate.

"This is just ridiculous," said Fox bitterly. "Why don't I ever get any of the girls?"

Falco and Samus were kissing and they were not listening and so they did not talk back.

"Hey! HEY! Look at me!" said Fox, poking Falco in the back.

"_What!?_" snapped Falco, turning around.

"I asked you: why don't I ever get any of the girls?" said Fox angrily.

"Um… remember Krystal?" said Falco.

"I think so," said Fox. "Talking blue fox-thing?"

"Yeah, remember what happened to her?" said Falco.

Fox frowned. "Kinda…"

_"I think I love you," said Krystal dreamily._

_Fox shot Krystal in the head._

_"And that," said Fox, spinning the gun around his finger, "is how you use a laser blaster. Cool, huh?"_

_He waited for a response but none came._

_"…Krystal?" he said, and tears welled in his eyes…_

"Yeah," said Falco. "I think that scared any potential female companions off."

"Ah, right," said Fox.

"Get lost," said Samus, waving a laser cannon threateningly.

"If that's what you want," said Fox sulkily. "See how I feel."

He stomped off resentfully.

"I feel annoyed," said Fox.

* * *

"So," said Ness, "I set up an account with a trusted online store…"

"Really," muttered Nana disinterestedly.

None of the kids had left the room for some hours now. Ness and Nana were sitting on the couch in front of the TV screen. Popo and Kirby were on the floor enjoying an intense one-on-one battle in _Mario Street Croquet_. Kirby was the better player by far, but he was constantly distracted by the bowl of chips that Popo had strategically left on the ground, so the match was about even.

"Yeah," said Ness. "I ordered that console we wanted."

"Nintendo Vee?" said Nana, suddenly sounding interested.

"Yep," said Ness. "They're apparently based across the road, so we should get it within the hour."

"Nice," said Nana, impressed despite herself.

"Haha, _owned_!" cried Kirby, as his croquet balls turned into gigantic green shells that ran over Popo's on-screen persona.

"Look, Kirby, potato chips!" said Popo for the fourth time in the last ten minutes.

"Ooh!" said Kirby, dropping the controller and darting across the floor.

"Watch me go!" cried Popo, working furiously with his thumbs and driving his advantage home.

'Triple Croquet!' cried an Italian voice from the screen.

"Aw, c'mon," groaned Kirby good-naturedly, darting back to his spot with a mouthful of salted potato.

"So, nerd-boy," said Nana, nudging Ness.

"Don't call me that," muttered Ness. "I do baseball for a _reason_."

"When you ordered the Vee for us," continued Nana without missing a beat, "you did remember to get some _games_ with it, didn't you?"

Ness blinked.

Nana's eyes narrowed. "You idiot! You didn't, did you?"

"Nope," whispered Ness solemnly.

"_Idiot!_"Nana growled.

"Haha, just kidding!" said Ness, his face brightening.

"What?" said Nana.

"As if I'd forget something like that!" said Ness, laughing good-naturedly. "I just wanted to see how annoyed you'd get."

"That _wasn't funny_!" snapped Nana, face turning red.

"You should have seen the look on your face…"

"_Not funny_!" screeched Nana.

"I dunno, sis," said Popo from across the room, "it sounded pretty funny to me…"

Nana threw an icepick at his head.

Popo fell to the floor, bleeding.

"SCORE!" cried Kirby, pumping both fists in the air. "Ten points in one stroke! You _suck_, Popo!"

"Anyway," said Ness, smiling, "I did order some Vee games."

"Which ones?" said Nana instantly.

"Popo?" said Kirby. "Didn't you hear me? I said you suck at street croquet!"

"All of them," said Ness.

"Oh, great," said Nana happily. "I can't wait… wait, _all_ of them?"

"Yep, every single one that was for sale," said Ness. "There was a special offer; buy twenty, get one free."

"But there have to be dozens," said Nana. "That would have cost you thousands of dollars…"

"Popo?" said Kirby worriedly, poking at Popo's still body.

"Credit fraud," said Ness.

"Oh," said Nana, impressed. "That's cool. _You're_ cool."

"I can't feel a pulse!" cried Kirby. He munched some chips in panic.

"Thanks," said Ness blushing a little. "The last time someone gave me a compliment like that…"

_"Hey, Ness," said the lead singer of the Runaway Five, straightening his expensive-yet-fashionable suit._

_"Yeah?" said Ness._

_"We really owe you one for getting us out of that contract," replied the lead singer._

_"Yeah," chorused the rest of the band._

_"Ness?" said Paula, tapping him on the back. "These guys freak me out. We don't owe _them_ anything. Let's go."_

_"Oh, come on," said Ness. "What's the worst that could happen?"_

_"Hey, Ness?" said the Runaway Five singer dude._

_"Yes?" said Ness._

_"You're cool."_

_Ness__ felt his eyes watering._

_The singer-leader-glasses dude smiled and patted him on the back. "Anyway, back to a life touring and singing and getting drunk and beating up fans!"_

_The police arrived._

_"…oh."_

_"Come on, let's get out of here," said Paula. Jeff nodded in agreement beside her._

_"But Paula…" said Ness. "He gave me a compliment! No-one outside my family's ever given me a compliment like that before?"_

_Paula sighed. "Oh, for goodness' sake… look, Ness. You're awesome. You're like… a living idol of… coolness and… you're totally… rad."_

_"Doesn't count," said Ness, crossing his arms. "You're a girl."_

_Paula whipped out a deluxe frying pan and swung it–_

"…anyway, thanks for the nice words," said Ness, awkwardly shoving the memory into the back of his subconscious.

"Least I could do," smiled Nana.


End file.
